Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Old people: Since the dawn of man (or, more accurately, 70 to 80 years after the dawn of man), they have provided wisdom, perspective and comfort to younger generations. Weakened by their age, they are generally harmless; the worst they can do is kill a conversation with some casual racism.
Help isn't always helpful.
Until now. It seems as though thievery has become a popular misdeed for the septugenarian set.
Last month, 78-year-old actor Rip Torn broke into a Connecticut bank. Both he and his gun were loaded at the time.
Earlier this month, a 73-year-old Florida man took $600 from three different banks. He was unarmed, instead convincing tellers to hand it over with a written note and a stare that could pierce the thighbones of an elephant.
I think it's safe to say that Grandpa can no longer be trusted.
This disturbing trend has heretofore gone unnoticed and unreported in the mainstream media, but thankfully I am here to alert the public about the recent rash of wrinkly robbers. I believe it is my journalistic duty to whip the citizens of this great nation into a panicked frenzy over what appears to be the greatest emerging threat to the very fabric of our society.
These robberies – which I have dubbed “Crimewave 2010: The Elderly Menace” – mean that we need to exercise caution where we once practiced nonchalance and to be vigilant where we once looked the other way.
Old people are everywhere. What's worse is that they blend in so perfectly; they look just like you or me, only several decades older.
I urge policemen to be on the lookout for old people driving on our nations streets and highways. Pull each and every one of them over, because the odds are they have a Glock and a couple of empty burlap sacks in the trunk.
They'll almost certainly play innocent, saying things like, “I'm just going to the pharmacy to have my arthritis medicine refilled” or “I'm visiting my grandchildren” or “Where am I?”
Don't believe them! Excuses are like cat nip for old people. Rip Torn blamed it on the alcohol. The Florida man said he would pay the banks back. Nice try, gentlemen, but we've already caught on to your little schemes.
Those of us who don't have a badge need to do our part, as well. See an old man loitering on a park bench? He's not feeding pigeons. He's plotting his next bank job. Report him. Grandma trying to get you to come to Bingo night? You're liable to end up as a hostage, mere collateral in her ruthless bid for wealth. Report her. It's for our own good.
My detractors will say that these measures are rash, overblown and irrational. Undoubtedly, they'll dig up that old quote, “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
But consider the source: Benjamin Franklin. He lived to the age of 84. Whose side do you think he was on?
Until old people stop robbing banks, we need to do whatever is necessary to ensure our survival. Even if it takes us 70 years.
— Nichols is a junior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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Comments
Nichols: Recognize the threat posed by the elderly
hahahahahahahaha, so funny. If I was your creative writing professor, I'd give you an 'A'.
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