Thursday, January 14, 2010
While doing my daily Google News search for Canadian teen idol Justin Bieber, I came across a curious piece of news: Bieber, a singer who is apparently part of Usher’s crew, attributes his success to a “swagger coach.”
“I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do,” Bieber said last month in the Kansas City Star.
Needless to say, I was very surprised. No, not by the concept of a “swagger coach.” I was simply surprised Bieber didn’t hire me.
Little known fact, but in addition to being a veteran semi-professional newspaper columnist, I’m a world-renowned swagger sensei. Before coming to KU, I studied swaggology at Brown – let me finish – Mackie College. I have a wealth of knowledge in the field of swagger and its three disciplines: stylin’, stayin’ cool and droppin’ the “g.”
Normally, one would have to take one of my high-priced swagger workshops, attend one of my ultra-popular swagger seminars or buy one of my best-selling swagger books, such as “Getcha Swag On” or “Getcha Swag On 2: Haters to the Left.” But, today, I’m going to let you, the reader, in on some of the most sacred of swagger secrets. That’s right, for the first time ever, here in this very newspaper, I’m going to share some exclusive tips that will help you become coolest kid on the hill. Heed them well, and the riches, fame and popularity will surely follow.
- Walk (or skip or gallop) with confidence. Most people have a very specific idea of what a swaggerful strut looks like: cocky, chin up, perhaps one hand in a pocket. Simply copying that doesn’t mean you’ve got swagger; in fact, it means you’re unoriginal. No matter how you travel on foot, what matters is self-assurance. Mosey with style. Gambol with attitude. Crabwalk like a movie star. People will think you are one. Nothing says swagger like a confident frolic.
- When it comes to socks, stick with the classics: White’s all right. Swagger is built from the bottom up, so footwear is key. Some people end up paying upward of $1,000 for the most ostentatious socks they can find. That’s so not swaggy. Stick with the simplicity of white, regular-length socks. Your feet will stay warm, and you’ll make it look effortless. Nothing’s worse than looking like you’re trying too hard. Which brings me to my next tip.
- Don’t try at all. Swagger is all about seeming like you don’t even care. The easiest way to accomplish the appearance of apathy is to not try to do anything, in any situation, ever. For example, let’s say you’re parking your car, and you end up with your tire clearly over the line. You may feel the need to correct this. Resist this urge. Simply get out of your car and (confidently) walk away. Swagger achieved.
- Auto-tune. All the coolest pop stars use Auto-tune to infuse their songs with swagger. And why not? Auto-tune makes you sound like a robot, and robots are the most swaggerful things on earth. They’re cool, calm and collected. And cold. And emotionless. The ladies dig it! All you have to do is Auto-Tune everything you say, and success will follow. Bank on it.
There you have it: four ways to immediately improve your swagger status. It will set you on the right track, but if you really want to be all you can be, hire a coach. And I think you know by now who the best choice is. (It’s me.)
— Nichols is a Stilwell junior in creative writing.
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