Kris was dumbfounded. He thought he was experiencing déjà vu. For the second time, he had to end a relationship because of cheating. To make matters worse, both of Kris’s previous girlfriends had cheated on him with their ex-boyfriends, who were ironically both named Nick and enlisted in the military. “I couldn’t believe the same scenario was happening to me all over again,” Kris says.

In both situations, Kris’ girlfriends had been emailing their exes while they were stationed overseas; when they came home the affairs went from emotional to physical. Kris says he trusted their privacy, so he never felt the need to check their email accounts. But looking back on it, he wonders if he should’ve checked.

Kris’s exes also never told him they were unhappy with their relationship with him. “It would’ve been an easier end to things if we had broken up for other reasons,” Kris says. “Cheating makes a breakup so much harder.”

Kris’s experience is not uncommon in young relationships. In 2008, the National Center for Education Statistics reported that the odds an undergraduate student ended his or her last relationship because of cheating was 1 in 13.7. Sometimes cheating brings light to an underlying problem, allowing couples to fix it and become stronger. In cases like Kris, however, the affair leads to a breakup. People cheat for a variety of reasons and it is important to have your own definition in order to set limits in your personal relationship.

IS IT PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL?

The general consensus among 25 random KU students was that anytime somebody in a relationship gets physical with somebody else, it’s considered cheating. However, an emotional affair can be just as detrimental to a relationship. The real question is: Is there a difference between physical and emotional cheating?

Sharon Rivkin, a licensed marriage therapist in California, says there is no difference because either way you look at it, it’s still a betrayal. “Many people rationalize that they’re not really cheating if they haven’t had sex,” Rivkin says. “But, oftentimes, emotional cheating is more detrimental because the connection goes much deeper.”

In a survey done by MSNBC, nearly 20 percent of survey takers in committed relationships admitted to romantically kissing someone else — a violation that 83 percent of survey takers consider to be cheating. In addition, 65 percent of surveyed women said falling in love with someone else and not having sexual intercourse was worse than if their partner just cheated sexually with no emotions attached. Fifty-three percent of the men disagreed and said that physical cheating was worse.

MSN Lifestyle writer Abraham Lloyd supports the male perspective that for men, physical cheating is more painful than emotional cheating. “As a gender, we tend to relate to everything in a physical way first,” Lloyd says. “We envision our partner with another man and that feeling of rejection is emasculating.”

Megan Elliott, Overland Park junior, agrees with the women in the survey. “I think emotional cheating is just as bad, if not worse than physical cheating," she says. “Physical cheating usually happens during a drunken hookup, but emotional cheating is calculated and pre-mediated.”

Whether it is physical or emotional, cheating on a partner is usually the result of a bigger issue within a relationship, and cheating can be the vehicle that enables a couple to address problems, Rivkin says. “I don’t want to condone cheating, but positive things can and do happen from a moment of weakness,” Rivkin says. “It certainly puts all the issues on the table in the primary relationship, which otherwise may not have come to light.”

TECHNOLOGY PLAYS AN EMOTIONAL ROLE

With the wide-reaching capabilities of the Internet and cell phones, emotional cheating is easier than ever. The National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey said that between 1991 and 2006, the numbers of unfaithful women and men under 30 increased by 20 and 45 percent, respectively. Experts from the survey think this increase has a lot to do with access to technology.

People can cheat through intimate correspondence with someone on a cell phone or through e-mail, by meeting someone over the Internet, or by engaging in mutual masturbation by using a web camera. MSNBC’s survey says that 15 percent of surveyed men and 7 percent of women have engaged in online sex or sexual webcamming, which 66 percent of people consider to be cheating.

Through password protection and multi-functional cell phones, technology provides unfaithful partners with an easier method of being disloyal. Emailing was the path Kris’ exes took to cheat on him. Kris says he believes technology provides more opportunities to be unfaithful.

“Technology has increased the avenues for people to cheat,” Kris says. “It provides so much secrecy and capabilities for easily covering up suspicious actions.”

The Internet allows people to connect on emotional levels before getting physically involved, but these emotional ties can eventually lead to physical cheating like it did for both of Kris’ exes. Chat room groups such as Yahoo’s “Married and Flirting” and Microsoft’s “Married But Flirting” are outlets for unfaithful partners to easily seek out other people willing to cheat. Cheaters can meet new people without risking getting caught by going out.

Although technology makes it easier to meet people to be unfaithful with, it can also leave you with more digital evidence such as website history, texts and e-mails, putting words that used to be spoken into writing. GPS tracking makes it easy to follow the whereabouts of a suspected cheater, and sites such as Intelius can provide a doubting partner with phone records, including how many times a suspicious number appears in the call log. Technology makes it easier for the cheater to cheat, but it can also increase a cheater’s chance of getting caught.

REASONS FOR CHEATING

Although sex tends to be the first thing that comes to mind with cheating, emotional and psychological factors can also play major roles. People tend to cheat physically when they’ve lost their attraction to their partner or they aren’t getting enough sex. When unfaithful companions start paying more emotional attention to someone else, they are removing themselves from their current relationship and having their emotional needs met elsewhere.

The chase or the thrill of someone new also drives sexual affairs. If and when an opportunity presents itself, the temptation can be hard to resist, especially if bedroom boredom or revenge for a partner’s indiscretions is already in the back of your mind. But these are all underlying problems in a relationship.

Gabriella Hartwell, author and relationship coach in Arizona, says she sees a lot of partners cheat in a relationship for fear of being alone. “Some people need that reassurance that there is always someone else,” Hartwell says.

Courtney, a KU graduate student, has cheated on all of her boyfriends for an entirely different reason: She can’t get over her ex. Although it has always been a spontaneous thing, every time she has cheated it has been with the same ex-boyfriend.

“He’s like my Mr. Big,” Courtney says. “He has a sneaky way of knowing when something is going wrong with my current relationship and he calls right when I need someone else.”

Courtney admits that two of her relationships ended directly from these indiscretions, but every time she is in a relationship she finds herself going back to the guy she has history with. She says she goes back to him because she still has feelings for him.

“He has a power over me,” Courtney says. “He’ll never be what I want him to be, but there’s something there between us that will never go away.”

THE AFTERMATH

If you cheated, deciding to tell your partner can be difficult. If it only happened once and didn’t mean anything, is it worth hurting your partner and risking the end of the relationship? Hartwell, author and life coach, says if it only happens once and it doesn’t happen again, you may not need to communicate your betrayal. She also warns of the possible backlash this could cause if the partner finds out from someone else.

If one-night stands start becoming habits or the cheating starts to affect you emotionally, Hartwell then advises to communicate the issue. “It is always important to listen and try to understand what happened and why. Try not to just accuse, because both parties are processing the situation,” she says.“If it is going to affect you, then you need to express it because if something is missing and if it’s not being communicated, then you can’t fix it with that person.”

However, some people believe in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” philosophy. Nick Peterson, Austin, Texas, senior, says that cheating is never a clear-cut issue. “If it’s a one-time thing, I’m more willing to accept it. But admitting to it may do too much damage,” Peterson says. “Trust is hard to earn and even harder to get back.”

In these cases of one-night stands, people love to use alcohol as an excuse for their actions. If your partner goes out drinking without you and ends up in someone else’s bed, it can be difficult to tell if the act was pre-meditated or spontaneous. Kelsey Gibbons, Denver, Colo., junior, says alcohol is no excuse.

“If my boyfriend cheated on me once when he was drunk, I would never trust him going out alone again,” Gibbons says. “Even if he was drunk, in my opinion, he’s still subconsciously looking for it.”

Understanding how you and your partner feel about cheating is important, because values differ in each person. Say you’re at a bar with your boyfriend or girlfriend and they are openly flirting with other people and it’s making you uncomfortable. What are you going to do about it? In that moment, it may not be wrong for that person, but maybe it is for you.

Cheating in relationships is an important issue for college students today. Studies show that we are more promiscuous than our parents’ generation. A habit of playing the field while single could make cheating that more tempting while in a relationship. The best thing to do is to be clear with someone on your expectations in a relationship in order to lessen the pain cheating can cause.