Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Have you heard the news about Lindsay?
I almost feel silly for asking, because you probably have heard the news about Lindsay. After all, Lindsay is one of the icons of our generation, on par with Oprah, Madonna and Jesus. She has captivated us with her extensive work in film and taken us on magical journeys with her music. She is talented. She is legendary. She is, in a word, “Lindsay.”
Of course, in recent years Lindsay has fallen on some hard times. Her very public and volatile relationship’s with DJs, paparazzi and cocaine have greatly damaged her image. Her alcoholism has become particularly troubling. This is why the last thing she needs is E-Trade and its army of drunk talking babies defaming her.
When Lindsay first saw the commercial featuring a “milkaholic” baby with her name, she probably thought she was hallucinating. But this time, everybody else saw it, too. I remember sitting on the couch, just minding my own business and watching the Super Bowl, when all of a sudden I was blindsided by this obvious slander against Our Lady Lindsay. I remember thinking “Lindsay should sue E-Trade over this awful misrepresentation of her and only her, because she is the one true Lindsay and who else could it possibly be based on, and also it's definitely based on somebody because it's based on Lindsay, who should sue!” (My mind doesn't have the benefit of an editor.)
And sue is exactly what she did earlier this month. The reactions were varied: some considered it to be yet another example of the ultra-litigious society we live in, where no lawsuit is too frivolous; others lamented the extreme self-absorption and egotism that has allegedly become the norm in our celebrity-obsessed culture; still others reacted with a combination of the two. I, however, still believe in Lindsay. Her claim that she has the same first-name recognition as Cher or Elmo is not the deluded fantasy of a young celebrity who has struggled desperately and mostly unsuccessfully to handle fame. It's the objective truth. I'd be willing to wager that at least 100 percent of you knew exactly who I was talking about from the very first sentence.
At the very least, consider this: Lindsay is probably as rare a name in Iceland as Björk is in America. If that ad were to ever run in Reykjavík, think of the irreparable damage that would be done to the reputation of the only Lindsay they know! We'd never let a screaming baby in a swan dress hit the airwaves here, so why should we let E-Trade do the same to Lindsay in Iceland? She should take them for all the krónur she can get.
Maybe the reason I support Lindsay so much is because I can sympathize. Once, on a road trip up north, I stopped at a gas station in Iowa. I noticed that somebody had written “Alex Sux” on the bathroom walls. I was horrified. I knew that this terrible vandal was talking about me, even though I had never been to that rest stop or that part of Iowa before. I got the same sense Lindsay got: that somebody, somewhere, wanted people to think that I sux. So, I sued the owner of the gas station, won and put that guy out of business.
It's time for Lindsay to do the same.
— Nichols is a junior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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Comments
Nichols: Defend your good name
I still do not know whom you are talking about. But I must ask, if this "Lindsay" person has a "good name" then why does she need to defend it.
Nichols: Defend your good name
This may be the most poorly-written, idiotic article I've ever read. And I browse 4chan.
Nichols: Defend your good name
What an absolutely horribly written, poorly thought-out column.
Nichols: Defend your good name
Clearly, some people do not understand. This is hilarious! Hahaha, well done sir, well done.
Nichols: Defend your good name
you are a dick.
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