Introduction | Keeping the faith | Breaking a lease beats breaking a marriage contract | Going against the grain

Laura Schmidt remembers waking up on her 20th birthday last year with her roommate handing her a note from her boyfriend.

The note read, “Sorry we can’t celebrate your birthday today but I bought you and your roommate massages for today. I hope you enjoy them.”

After reading the note, tears silently streamed down her face. She hoped this was it, but couldn’t be sure. Five years of dating, this had to be it, she thought, but after a second note she got at lunch, she wasn’t so sure.

The massages were the first in a string of events, notes and a riddle that led Schmidt to the front of the Campanile, wondering why she was there.

When her boyfriend stepped out from behind the Campanile with five roses, one for each year of dating, she knew this was the moment she had waited for — his proposal.

Schmidt, a senior from Wichita, met her fiancé, David Friedberg, a senior at Wichita State, at the Christian high school they both attended. Their shared faith drew them together and by her junior year in high school, and after he helped her cope with the death of her grandmother, Schmidt knew he was the one for her.

The big day is set for June 12, a week before their six-and-a-half year anniversary as a couple. But first they must finish four more premarital counseling sessions to complete the six sessions their church requires. Schmidt and Friedberg said they liked the sessions and they would probably have done them even if they weren’t required.

“It felt like it was good to get stuff out there like family and in-laws in a situation where it’s a lot less threatening,” Schmidt said.

Reverend Steve Beseau leads marriage preparation courses at St. Lawrence Catholic Center and uses a compatibility test to find what areas a couple needs to focus on.

“We want to make sure we give them tools to make the best decision,” Beseau said.

Questions on the test address topics such as communication, finances, children, work and sexuality.

Beseau has been leading marriage preparation courses for 15 years and has presided over weddings of couples from 19 years old to in their 70s.

Beseau said he saw more alumni getting married now than current students because the average age of marriage has gone up.

“If someone came in who is 19 years old, immediately, I would be very cautious,” Beseau said. “I’ve had marriages of 19- and 20-year-olds who were very mature. You cannot discount someone because they’re too young nor can you presume they’re ready because they’re older.”

When Schmidt and Friedberg tell people they’re engaged, they often ask how old they are.

“It’s funny because people will be really excited for me and they’ll ask how old I am and when I tell them they’ll ask why would you ever want to get married that young,” Schmidt said. “I tell them we’ve been dating for over six years now and that’s been part of the plan for a few years now. It really wasn’t a matter of age, it’s definitely more maturity than your age.”

Schmidt also said that when people heard they were getting married, they thought it was because they were waiting to have sex.

“I just don’t want it to come off that it’s solely the reason we’re wanting to get married,” Schmidt said.

With cultural changes and norms that have made it easier and more acceptable for people to live together and have intimate relationships, sexual relationships aren’t seen as a reason for people to get married at a young age.

Hill, professor of sociology, agrees.

“You’re not waiting to get married to have sex or cohabitate with a partner,” Hill said.

Dennis Dailey, professor emeritus from the School of Social Welfare who taught a course on human sexuality for 35 years, said young people got married early because of emotional dependency.

“Emotional dependency is something that draws people to a relationship and dependency won’t sustain a relationship,” Dailey said. “You have to be able to be comfortable with being alone and aware of who you are as a separate person before you can get in a relationship that has to sustain itself.”

Fifty percent of married relationships end in failure and relationships that begin with an early marriage have an even higher rate of failure, Dailey said.

“I don’t think that’s an accident. You get into the business of someone else completing you or needing them to affirm that you’re OK and that’s not going to build a good relationship,” Dailey said. “That’s what romance novels at Dillons talk about, but that’s not the basis for a good relationship.”

Living with a significant other before marrying can test a couple’s emotional dependency and help them see they are not meant for one another. That’s what happened to Tiffany Brant and Matt Basgall.

Introduction | Keeping the faith | Breaking a lease beats breaking a marriage contract | Going against the grain

— Edited by Melissa Johnson