PROFESSOR: If you cook pot in oil you can put it in anything. It’s a potluck!

GIRL: I wish you were gay so you could go shopping with me.

GUY: I think that is the most awkward thing you’ve ever said to me.

GIRL: I always notice in pictures, as I get more intoxicated throughout the night my hair gets bigger and bigger and my skirt gets shorter and shorter.

GIRL : I burnt my middle finger this morning and so all day I’ve been waving it around trying to give it some air. I definitely think more than one person thought I was flicking them off.

GUY 1: ‘What’s up, man?’ really isn’t the best way to say ‘hello’ on campus.

GUY 2: I know. If you’re walking by someone on their way to class you don’t need to say it because you already know what they’re doing.

GIRL: Wow. I think you two are really spending too much time talking about this.

GUY: I think ‘That’s what she said’ would be a great name for a kickball team.

GUY: Dude, I want puppies like chicks want babies.

PROFESSOR: I once went down on my brother’s device ...

GIRL (on the phone): Mom, I can’t give you the pot brownie recipe right now. I’m in the library. This is why I get stereotyped as being from Boulder.

GUY: I’m so glad I wore my pajama pants all day. My junk really needed some R and R.

GIRL: Someone really needs to tell that girl to brush her teeth before she works out. She breathes so heavily I can smell the food-rot across the room.

GIRL: Well, someone’s being a Bitter Betty.

GUY: I’m not a Bitter Betty, I’m a Silly Salamander.

GIRL: Dude, are you drunk?

GUY: Uh, I still remember all my algebra. Where have you been?

GIRL: Are you okay?

GUY: The last time someone asked me that I got drafted in the sixth round.

GUY 1: I’ll race you to the car.

GUY 2: You are not a Usain Bolt.

GIRL: I don’t like Hawaiian Potter.