Friday, November 5, 2010
Last week’s elections were marked by the breakout popularity of a particular political movement. A new party emerged as the voice of the people, one that some people had written off as crazy and illegitimate.
Yes, the Rent is 2 Damn High party was the sensation that swept the nation, and although Jimmy McMillan only earned 1% of the vote in his race for the governorship of New York, his willingness to tell the truth about the rent and how damn high it is and his infectious personality made him a star.
But now the elections are over, and it’s time to move on. There are only two years until the next election, and it’s never too early to try and figure out which quirky gimmick candidates will establish themselves as big non-factors in races across the country. I’ve used my insider status to pinpoint which outsider candidates and political parties are on the rise. When they earn as much as 2 percent of the vote, remember it was me and not that poser Nate Silver at The New York Times who made the prophetic projection.
Gen. Larry Platt, The Pants are 2 Damn Low party
Remember the “Pants on the Ground” guy? He was the most popular guy around about twenty Internet memes ago but has since faded back into obscurity. He’s ripe for a comeback, and he just so happens to be a perfect candidate for political candidacy. Like McMillan, he’s got one big issue he likes to hammer on repeatedly, he’s a musican (McMillan recorded as “Jimmy Mack” in the 70s and released an album on election day) and, based on his dance moves on American Idol, is probably a fellow karate expert, too.
Basil Marceaux Dot Net
Basil Marceaux Dot Com was clearly the best candidate in the country this year, but he lost in the Republican primary for Tennessee governor. Everything about his campaign was perfect, from his Kennedyesque speaking abilities to his hardline stance against making any sense whatsoever. So what was wrong? His domain. “Dot Com” is too commercial; perhaps voters thought he was a corporate sellout. “Dot Gov” wouldn’t work either, since he’s none too fond of the government. “Dot Net” would emphasize his excellent networking skills and his ability to really get things done, like Sandra Bullock in the 1995 thriller “The Net.”
The Shoe Marriage Party
When McMillan said he was fine with people marrying shoes if they wanted to, he unwittingly started a movement. For too long, foot fetishists have been ostracized, unable to join with their beloved shoes in holy matrimony. The members of this party wear their hearts on their sleeves and their lovers on their feet, and they’re looking to finally make it official. They’ll have to deal with their fair share of detractors, however — after all, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and a pair of Birkenstocks.
Sarah Palin
Famed comedian Sarah Palin’s hilarious “Sarah Palin” character captured the imaginations of Americans everywhere when she made a satirical run for vice president in 2008. Don’t be surprised if she trots out her beloved creation again in 2012. Some critics say Palin plays her character way too stupid, but isn’t that the point? She’s exploring what would happen if a folksy moron wandered her way into the national political spotlight. Palin’s performance art is outrageously absurd, yet she has managed to fool more than a few people into thinking it’s not a joke. She may be a fake candidate, but she could make a very real run at the Oval Office. Imagine the laughs we’d have if that happened!
— Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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