Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Next week, President Obama will make a decision that will go completely unchallenged. Nobody will stop to consider the ramifications of such a choice. Not even Obama’s biggest enemies in Congress.
When Obama pardons a turkey on Thanksgiving, people will play it off as a quirky, lighthearted tradition. If only they knew just how dangerous that turkey could be.
“But Alex,” you might be saying, “turkeys are dumb, flightless birds. They’re not dangerous at all!” And that’s just what the turkeys want you to think. It’s a facade. A subterfuge. Another big word. Turkeys drown themselves by looking at the sky during a rainstorm to make you think they’re too dumb to harm you. But they’re not filled with rain. They’re filled with hate. And they’re going to use that hate to someday rise up and overthrow the human American government.
It doesn’t take a genius to realize that turkeys hate America. Why wouldn’t they? Turkeys have been the victims of a delicious genocide since 1620, when the Pilgrims came to America in search of cool new best friends. Ever since that first Thanksgiving, turkeys have been slaughtered by the millions each year, all in the name of America’s supposed superiority. Don’t think just because they lack the ability to communicate that they aren’t getting organized. The turkey rebellion is upon us.
Rumblings have already begun. Earlier this year, a gang of turkeys terrorized a neighborhood in Athens, Georgia. One resident, Carol Herzog, “felt like a prisoner in her own house,” according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
These plump turkey gangs will no doubt begin to succulently organize and rain down juicy, tender justice on neighborhoods across the country. America must prepare for the worst this Thanksgiving, and I don’t mean the Dallas Cowboys. We can’t just pretend that this is just some insane conspiracy theory invented by a college newspaper columnist because has a deadline and no other ideas. If we don’t take this threat seriously, soon we will all be trapped in a prison of fear.
Let’s not pretend that this hasn’t happened before, either. Who can forget the Independence Day Hot Dog Revolt of ‘97, when cows, pigs and chickens combined forces to invade the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, trampling and pecking twenty onlookers to death in a disgusting-yet-tasty amalgam of horror and bloodlust. In 2002, the PLO (Pretzel Liberation Organization ) tried to assassinate President Bush while he watched an NFL playoff game, nearly choking him to death. And last year, I got sick after drinking some milk I had previously insulted. Food is in constant search of revenge, and turkeys are no different.
This is why Obama must break with tradition and not pardon a turkey, but kill it himself. He must show America that he’s not soft on the greatest threat facing America today (besides old people). Then he should declare war on Turkey, just to cover all his bases.
If he doesn’t, we’ll be the ones getting stuffed on Thanksgiving Day.
— Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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