Monday, October 4, 2010
With the semester in full swing, big papers and tests are starting to fill everybody’s schedules. As a result, students are finding it harder and harder to successfully procrastinate. If you find that your homework keeps getting done on time, you may need help from a procrastination expert such as yours truly.
I’m a highly experienced, award-winning procrastinator, well-versed in every method and form of procrastination possible. In fact, a few years ago I won a scholarship from the Procrastinator’s Association of America (though I have yet to receive a check). I continue to procrastinate to this very day, most recently on this column, which is currently being written two days after its deadline.
I seek to spread my gift to as many people as possible. That’s why I’m starting a series of prohibitively expensive, inconveniently scheduled seminars that will be coming to a hotel airport not-particularly-near you.
Puttin’ It Off with Alex Nichols will teach you the basics of not doing whatever it is you’re supposed to do. The seminar kicks off with a hastily prepared, incomplete presentation. In it, I reveal the Three Ds of Procrastination:
*Delay doing it
*Deny that it needs to be done
*Don’t ever do it
This is the cornerstone of my program, which will help YOU become a less efficient procrastinator (should I ever actually end up building around that cornerstone).
The presentation continues with a bunch of shoddy, meaningless pie charts and bar graphs disguised as important information. And thanks to my uncanny procrastination skills, you’ll hardly be able to tell I threw it together at three o’clock that morning!
After my presentation, the seminar breaks out into small group sessions, including:
*The Refresh Button and You: Learn how refreshing a blog or message board over and over again can help you kill hours of would-be productivity.
*Make It Nap-pen: You don’t need to be tired to take a nap. This workshop teaches you how to snooze your way to better procrastination.
*The Magic of Baby Steps: Discover how you can justify opening Word, typing your name and pressing enter as three separate benchmarks in your work, with each earning you a three-hour break.
Lunch will be catered by whatever sandwich joint is closest to the hotel. Unless, of course, I never get around to calling the sandwich joint, which is extremely possible, since I’m the master of procrastination.
After lunch, we’ll have to improvise, since I have nothing else planned. Um, maybe some role playing exercises? Yeah, that’s good. Role playing exercises. We’ll do some of those. We’ll come up with some scenarios, such as a friend peer-pressuring you into doing your work, and you’ll figure out how to say “NO!” and go play video games instead. At the end of the day I’ll hand out complimentary gift bags comprised entirely of stuff I found under my bed and in my closet.
Go to alexnicholsprocrastination.biz TODAY and sign up for the seminar that will change your life ... eventually. Actually, don’t go there today, I haven’t bought that domain name yet. Go there in like a week or two. Or maybe a month. I have a lot of other stuff to do first. Like finish this colu
— Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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