Watching a Kansas football or basketball game from the sideline is a unique and thrilling experience. I’m not trying to brag, I promise, but working as a photographer for The Kansan since 2008, I’ve seen my fair share of games from mere feet away from the action. And while many might covet this prime vantage point, I have recently realized that covering sporting events as a photojournalist has had a serious effect on my Kansas fanhood.

Let me explain. I was born in Lawrence months after Kansas won its second NCAA men’s basketball national championship. Growing up in Lawrence, I was inundated with Kansas sports. Watching hundreds of football and basketball games on TV with my dad served as my training as a Kansas fan. Late Night in the Phog (back when it was actually Late Night, with the scrimmage tipping off at midnight) was one of the biggest events of the year for me. Not even an early morning date with the ACT stopped me from going my junior year of high school. And while attending games was a special occasion as a kid, some of my best childhood memories resonate from the historic confines of Allen Fieldhouse and Memorial Stadium.

Through good times and bad, my dedication to Kansas sports never wavered. I sat in the rain by myself to watch Bill Whittemore play his final game in Lawrence. I cried when Roy Williams jumped ship for North Carolina. I cried even harder after watching Kansas lose to Syracuse, Bucknell and Bradley in the NCAA tournament.

My freshman year of college I attended every home football and basketball game, and in April of 2008 my wildest Kansas sports dream came true. That fall I began working for The Kansan, and one month into my new job I got the opportunity to shoot the first football game of the season. I was estactic, but it was not until minutes before kickoff that I realized that since I was working the game, I couldn’t cheer for my team, or clap to the fight song or sing the alma mater as I was accustomed to doing.

Working as a journalist, it is always important to remain unbiased no matter the assignment. That means as a photojournalist for The Kansan, I can not show any favoritism or support for one team or another when I’m working. So standing on the sidelines of that game against Florida International, for the first time ever, I attended a Kansas sporting event and did not root for Kansas. I did my job, I took pictures, and after the game (which Kansas won 40-10), I was happy about the victory but I did not show it. And so it was for the rest of the season, and the multitude of games I have shot since that day. I’ve become so accustomed to not cheering for Kansas while I shoot a game, that when I’m not working, it feels strange to actually be able to wear a blue shirt and clap when the Jayhawks score.

Don’t get me wrong, my feelings about Kansas sports have not changed. I’m still as big of a fan as I ever have been, but I don’t seem to care as much as I used to. I came to this realization on Sept. 4 of this year. Watching the Jayhawks suffer one of their worst losses in recent memory to Division I-AA North Dakota State at home, I stood on the sidelines feeling no remorse or pain in watching the seconds tick away as KU fell to 0-1 on the season. I didn’t share the anguish of the student section and the thousands of fans pouring out of the stadium. I was more concerned about getting my work done. It wasn’t until later that night that the loss sunk in, and I became aware of how little I cared about the way the team played while I was shooting the game.

I understand now that while my feelings might have changed, I still love Kansas, just in a more subtle way. My calloused attitude while working the games has had an effect on my fanhood, but I would not trade the experiences I’ve had working for The Kansan for anything. Sitting courtside at Allen Fieldhouse and following Kansas’ teams on road trips have served as some of my best memories from my college years and will provide more through the coming football and basketball seasons. And while I will continue to suppress my true feelings for Kansas sports while working for The Kansan, I will freely wear crimson and blue and wave the wheat after each touchdown again soon: I graduate in May.

— Edited by Tim Dwyer