There are plenty of reasons to love chain restaurants. The quirky assortment of memorabilia on the walls gives you something new and interesting to look at whenever you want to avoid talking to your family. The colorful picture menus help give you an idea of what your mozzarella sticks will look like before they arrive. And the friendly, down-home atmosphere created by the passionate teenaged staff always keeps you coming back for more.

But an unfortunate trend that has swept through America in recent weeks threatens to destroy the very fabric of chain restaurant culture. It is an ever-growing menace to the sterling reputation of chain restaurants everywhere. And if it continues, people might be forced to eat local, or worse – eat at home.

I’m talking, of course, about drunk babies.

I don’t mean that babies are sitting at home, getting wasted on Wild Turkey, then deciding to get together and lay siege to their local Bennigan’s for kicks. I mean that three chain restaurants in the last week alone have somehow accidentally served alcohol to very tiny children without even seeing ID.

First, a 15-month-old in Michigan was served tequila instead of apple juice at Applebee’s. Then, a toddler at a Florida Olive Garden was given a kid’s cup full of sangria. Most recently, a four-year-old who ordered a milkshake at a Chili’s in Chicago was given a Mudslide instead.

Now, you may be thinking, “Wait, how could drunk babies be a bad thing? That sounds adorable!” If you actually are thinking that, you’re a terrible person, but you also sort of make a good point. The concept of a drunk baby is pretty hilarious: imagine something as cute as a baby, which is already dumb and nonsensical, becoming even more dumb and nonsensical by drinking a margarita out of, say, a formula bottle.

Funny, right? Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as humorous in practice as it is in theory. As it turns out, real drunk babies require immediate medical attention. (Maybe it would work better as a cartoon?) The parents of the accidental li’l drunkard in Michigan have already sued Applebee’s for “emotional distress and medical expenses,” according to the Associated Press. In all three cases, the mixed drink mix-ups resulted in headaches for the parents and hangovers for the kids.

Many restaurants have already maneuvered to change where and how they make and serve drinks, but I think greater efforts should be made to educate workers (who are surely eager to learn how to better serve the customer) on alcohol policy.

When I interviewed for a job at Applebee’s back in high school, I was asked literally hundreds of questions, including tricky ones like “Do you approve of employee theft?” This was a great way of weeding out people who did approve of employee theft. The same should be done with alcohol. Restaurants should ask applicants whether they consider it appropriate to serve alcohol in sippy cups, and they should be tested on their ability to differentiate between grown adults and alcohol-seeking babies wearing fake mustaches. (Fake mustache technology is incredible these days.)

Whatever they do, it needs to be done well. I couldn’t bear to see these restaurants go out of business. If they did, I’d have to spend a bunch of money buying random crap to tack on the walls of my unused dining room. It’s a comfort thing.

— Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.