Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Dear football coaches,
I know I’m not one of your kind.
My only experience playing football came in middle school. I was an offensive guard for a lightweight team. With a body more appropriate for math problems, I “blocked” people by grabbing their jerseys and not letting go.
I know you don’t have many job openings on your staffs, especially in these tough economic times. I can’t help you call plays, manage the depth chart or control egos.
So why should you hire me? I can help you in one area that seemingly no coach understands: clock management.
Another week came in the NFL, and another coach made himself look silly by managing the clock in laughable fashion. Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett was this week’s culprit.
With 26 seconds remaining in the fourth quarter and tied 13-13 against the Cardinals, the Cowboys found themselves at the Arizona 31-yard-line. They had two timeouts left.
Instead of using a timeout and running a few plays to potentially make life easier for kicker Dan Bailey, Garrett decided to let the clock tick. And tick. And tick. Quarterback Tony Romo nonchalantly snapped the ball and spiked it with seven seconds remaining.
The kicking unit marched onto the field, prepping for a game-winning 49-yard attempt. The Cowboys’ special teams coaches thought the unit wouldn’t be ready before the play clock expired, so Garrett signaled in a timeout.
The play continued before the timeout was acknowledged, and Bailey made the field goal that didn’t count, as he needed to do for the sake of the coaches-can’t-manage-the-clock narrative. About a minute later, Bailey missed the one that mattered and “America’s Team” lost in overtime.
Monday Morning Quarterbacks and talking heads roared about Garrett “icing his own kicker” with the timeout, but I don’t have a problem with that. Here’s the real issue: Garrett opted to let his rookie kicker try a tense 49-yarder instead of using his timeouts and potentially moving it 10-15 yards closer.
Collectively, coaches are pretty old. At 45, Garrett is one of the youngest guys in the business.
You’re all old enough that you couldn’t sit in your basement as 12-year-olds and play hours upon hours of Madden and NCAA Football video games.
I could, and I did.
You didn’t set up two-minute-drill scenarios in those video games and replay them over and over until your parents pried the controller from your fatigued fingers.
I did.
And you don’t have the ability to watch the endings of tons of games each week, breaking down exactly how the clock should be managed.
I, thank goodness, have the NFL RedZone Channel.
Here’s my proposal: I’ll serve as your “Clock Management Consultant.” I don’t expect wages. A few team jackets and a press conference name drop would work just fine.
Heck, if you’re worried about how the media will portray the hiring of a college student as a clock consultant, I’ll sit in the front row behind the bench with an earpiece and manage the clock while eating nachos.
I’ll be waiting for your call. If you won’t hire me, please play some Madden and figure out how to manage the clock. Or hire somebody under the age of 25.
— Edited by C.J. Matson
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