Thursday, March 10, 2011
In simpler times, Charlie Sheen's headlines-dominating professional meltdown would have made him a sad, washed-up pariah. He would have been cast to the depths of celebrity hell, with only the distant possibility of a post-rehab comeback giving him the faintest bit of hope for the future.
Reader poll
Poll of the week: Would you trade lives with Charlie Sheen for a day?
- Duh, WINNING! 47% 55 votes
- Park your nonsense. 15% 18 votes
- Really dude? REALLY? 10% 12 votes
- No, but I would apply to be his social media intern. 9% 11 votes
- Tiger blood. 17% 20 votes
116 total votes.
But things are different in the age of social media. Sheen has instead become a sad, washed-up folk hero, taking the tin cans of drug abuse, possible mental illness and unemployment and turning them into a pool of gold coins that would make Scrooge McDuck jealous.
Thanks to Twitter and the viral nature of today's Internet culture, Sheen's profile is higher than ever: he reached 1 million Twitter followers in record time, drew over 100,000 viewers on his bizarre live Ustream show Saturday night and is raking in lucrative endorsement deals with companies that evidently have no qualms about their products being closely associated with crack cocaine.
What would have once been a flameout of historic proportions is now the birth of a social media empire.
At least, that's what Sheen hopes. To help him with his budding web presence, he is offering a paid summer internship – and he's hiring right now. While your boring, non-winning peers are off getting coffee for congressmen and making copies for corporate leaders, you could be, according to his posting on Internships.com, “work[ing] closely with Charlie Sheen in leveraging his social network.” Yes, he has his own social network! And you could be the Justin Timberlake to his Jessie Eisenberg!
Of course, you'll have me to compete with. At first, I decided against applying for the position; I was afraid I might be overqualified. But then I thought, “Is there really such thing as too much winning?” And then Charlie Sheen came to me in a vision, and he said, “No. Duh.”
That is why I would like to cede the remainder of my column to my internship application. I felt the online application's 75-character limit (seriously) was not enough to properly convey the awesome magnitude of my credentials.
Here are just a few reasons why I should be Charlie Sheen's intern:
• I'm a meme ma-Sheen: Catchphrases like “level 100 warlock” and “duh, winning” have entered the popular lexicon faster than a Vatican assassin drunk on tiger blood. But Sheen can't keep coming up with these gems on his own! I can work with him to craft new memes about wrestling with rabid unicorns, giving man-birth to win-beasts and other t-shirt-worthy inanities that are sure to keep the revenue stream flowing!
• Sheen + Synergy = SHEENERGY: I have a sixth sense for brand synergy, and I could help Sheen choose the endorsement deals that will help maintain his sterling image. Four Loko? Sounds good! Baby Bjorn? NO WAY!
• I'm a raving Sheenophant!: I will say literally anything Charlie Sheen wants to hear! Yes, your theories on 9/11 make sense! No, you don't sound crazy! Yeah, I hate Chuck Lorre, too! You're the best, Mr. Sheen!
• I'm good with Microsoft Office.
— Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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Comments
Nichols: I want to work for Sheen, violently
I know (I hope) this is a joke but for the Sheenophiles I have three words; Jan-Michael Vincent.
I'll wait while you look it up... okay, I'm back. Yep, in the 1970s JMV appeared as the worlds greatest athlete for Disney and his career soared for 20 years. His participation could carry a movie or make a TV show a success. He partied! Boy did he party and the women... towards the end he started getting in trouble with alcohol, drugs, battery, and anger towards his co-workers. His rise was incredibly fast but his decline was faster. Today he lives in the bayous of Louisiana and in poor health. You had to look him up to see who he used to be.
So you if want to be Sheens intern go ahead. Clean up vomit and tell the police that it was you, and not Sheen, that trashed the hotel room. Maybe when takes himself out, he will be little more considerate and not take out his trusty intern as well.
Nichols: I want to work for Sheen, violently
As drug riddled as Sheen's brain may be, I seriously doubt that his senses have degraded to the point of hiring someone as talentless as this author.
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