Q. My boyfriend of over a year has lost almost all of his sex drive. I’ve tried the typical methods (lingerie, porn, alcohol, sexy messages/talk, etc.) to get him interested in sex and have had less than a 20 percent success rate (which results in a 35 percent erection, at best). He insists that there are no unresolved issues or problems, and that the interest is there but physical desire is not. In spite of his lack of interest in sex, my libido is through the roof and out of control. The question isn’t whether or not to cheat or leave — it’s how can I get my guy’s battery recharged?

Michelle-

A. Sex is vital to a long-term, healthy, intimate relationship. A satisfying sex life is touted as integral in the stimulation and sustainability of a relationship. It sounds to me like you adopt this way of thinking.

 By investing time in lingerie, porn, etc., you show dedication to the sexual relationship you share with your partner. In an unfortunate twist of fate, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to care about sexually satisfying you. Do you require a long-term partner to invest his or her own emotions and time into satisfying your needs? With the 110 percent given to him, does he reciprocate with the same?

 I never advocate cheating. How will that benefit your relationship? You don’t want to cheat or leave. But why don’t you want to leave? The lack of sexual satisfaction is a major problem; you are soliciting advice for crying out loud. What is your partner bringing to the relationship that outweighs the issue into which you seem to invest quite a bit of emotion? Ultimately, you must decide if having no sex life with your boyfriend is something you can accept.

 Communicate to him the importance of desire, passion, stimulation and sexual interest in your shared life together. If he fails to attempt or fulfill your needs, then I say get rid of him. Plenty of (sexually interested) fish are in the sea. 

Mike-

A. First of all, I think your boyfriend is missing out. . . big time. What does he mean by not having the physical desire? A loss in libido usually has a lot to with stress. A loss of desire could also stem from a poor diet, or even medication. Perhaps something else in his life is causing him stress, and he’s afraid to talk about it. As you have been going out for a year, I doubt that his loss in libido stems from any worry about his ability as a lover, or his distaste for the sex you are having — both of those would have come up by now.

 Here are a couple options to try:

 #1 Tell him how good it makes you feel when you have sex with him. Every guy loves to hear either how good he is or how much you want to have sex with him.

 #2 Don’t bring up sex for a while (as long as you can go, anyway). Sometimes the absence of it makes one realize how good they have it.

 #3 Leave him. I know you said you didn’t want to, but if you have a talk with him about it and he isn’t listening or willing to meet you halfway, then move on.

 Sometimes libido differences can’t be worked out. Sexual satisfaction is a very important part of a healthy relationship. It’s been a year now; ask yourself what really makes you happy.