Originally published May 2, 2011 at midnight, updated May 2, 2011 at midnight
Over the years, I have used this space to warn you, the reader, about various dangers that threaten our lifestyles, livelihoods and indeed our very lives. And I’m the first one to admit that just about all of these warnings have turned out to be false alarms. Elderly people haven’t gone on crime sprees, anti-Thanksgiving turkeys haven’t violently overthrown the American government and KFC’s Double Down sandwich didn’t kill America. I understand if you want to label me as some sort of unreliable, sensationalist lunatic.
But you have to believe me when I say this: The ninjas are coming.
Recently, the greater Pittsburgh area has been invaded by ninjas, with two separate instances of rogue ninjary in the last few weeks alone. One was reportedly breaking into cars using a sword, while another left his four-year-old unattended at 1:30 a.m. to prowl the streets in all black, demonstrating a true dedication to his craft above all things.
So why should you be concerned? Well, as we all know, most trends in Lawrence originate from Pittsburgh. (This is why Jefferson’s closed to make room for a steel mill.) Before long, they’ll migrate to Mass. Street and menace the citizens of our fine town with their lethal combination of stealth and skill.
Look, I know that I don’t have the best track record when it comes to predicting imminent doom. But if you were ever going to listen to me, listen to me right now. You are going to need to protect yourself from these ninjas. They are deadly, and they are coming here, soon.
Luckily for you, I am about to finish my degree in ninjaology and therefore know exactly how you can defend yourself from these ruthless night stalkers. Take my advice, or leave it: It’s your neck that’ll get snapped.
Don’t be afraid.
Ninjas can smell fear from a mile away. They can also smell blood, flopsweat, and morning breath. This is because they train in Tibet, where they drink tea through their noses and have their nasal hairs groomed by Liam Neeson. To deter ninjas from attacking you, slather yourself in wet garbage. (Ninjas hate the smell of wet garbage.)
Dress like a ninja.
Ninjas have a very strict honor code and may not attack one of their own under any circumstances, unless it is in self-defense or they just feel like it. The downside is that your disguise will attract the attention of the police and small children, who will both annoy you with dumb questions about your sword.
Paradoxes are your friend.
Not unlike robots, ninjas will self-destruct if you say anything that defies logic, like “I’ve noticed how good you are at blending in with your surroundings.” They will also explode if you make passive-aggressive comments about their figures. (“That’s a good look for you; black is very slimming.”)
Avoid dark, shady areas at night. Ninjas tend to lurk in the shadows, waiting to pounce on unwitting victims without warning. If you must walk outside at night, light yourself on fire first. That way, your immediate surroundings will always be well-lit. Plus, ninjas won’t be able to attack you without getting severely burned. (Ninjas hate getting severely burned.)
— Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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