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FFA of the Day: “I hate February and I hate men."

"It took Kansas City less time to announce the amount of porta potties it would have for the Chiefs Parade than for the Iowa Democratic Party to figure out who won the Iowa Caucuses."


"Food and happiness are synonymous. Like jokes and memes, or Trump and crook"

"If there is a hell, Mitch ‘the bitch’ McConnell is going straight there.”

“You’ll be wearing your cute jacket. You’ll just look like a hipster.” - My mom

“Now there are a lot of different ideas about the lizard people.”

"Honestly, drink your champagne and choke."

“I am just NOT drunk enough to steal a stoplight… yet.”

"Everyone wears knee-high boots to the Hawk one time."

“I think I need to do shots of holy water now.”

“'The Bachelor is a PG-13 porno.”

“Sometimes it’s shit. Sometimes it’s the shit.”

“The groundhog is a little bitch.”

"I would cyberbully Donald Trump."

“Mom [In Bernie Sanders Voice]... I am once again asking for your financial support.”