FFA of the Day: "I think Kermit the Frog's a Republican."
“Would it be inappropriate to write an opinion piece about how Paw Patrol is state-sponsored police propaganda?”
"The guy who was supposed to be my date just kept doing more coke."
“When I was 12, I starved myself for two days because my dad said I couldn’t marry Niall Horan.”
"Suck his dick or hold his hand and avoid premarital sex."
“I don’t know, a crunchy chicken cheddar wrap at 11:30 p.m. while you’re drunk is kind of exquisite.”
“I just tried to ghost my inhaler. I think I have a problem.”
“My professor: so.... anyone play Minecraft?"
“Comfort Inn? Debatable. The Studio? Oh hell nah.”
"She was basically like, 'What is going on?' and I was like, 'You've been working with Satan.'"
“What, I can't be hot just because it’s Wednesday?!”
“I only eat aged, Italian Nutella. And only of a vintage of at least four years.”
“My professor pronounced Budig as 'boo-dig' and my head is about to explode.”
“I am a tank when it comes to pasta.”
“Sometimes I feel like that guy who collects cans from 1950s bomb shelters and then opens them up for YouTube.”
"Can cereal be a salad?" "If you're brave enough."