Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

Mangiaracina : Life began nine months earlier

Let’s start small. People alive or dead are approximately nine months older than their current age.

By Nick Mangiaracina (Contact)

Friday, March 7th, 2008

If life begins at conception and not at birth, we must consider the consequences of changing this belief.

Let’s start small. People alive or dead are approximately nine months older than their current age, so we must solve the problems this creates.

U.S. Census figures for every 10-year period beginning with 1790 will need to be revised. We cannot have demographers across America using inaccurate historical information.

After finishing this task, we will need to start building a database of every person with a known birth and death date, so we can add nine months to his or her life span.

The day we decide life begins at conception will be a good one for conservative political commentator Ann Coulter. She will applaud the 5-4 Supreme Court decision that women do not have a right to an abortion. Justice Antonin Scalia will write the majority opinion: “We could not find the part of The Constitution guaranteeing a woman the right to choose. We have decided that Jefferson was right when he wrote, ‘All men are created equal.’ Sorry, women.”

Following this, Congress will find the need to take a stand against those who insist life begins at birth. The Speaker of the House will say, “To those of you who believe life begins at birth, you are simply wrong. Life begins at conception — didn’t you know that? If you disagree, we will give you a free T-shirt to persuade you.”

Once Congress announces the human race has simply been mistaken in its definition of life for the past 6,000 years, a panic will sweep the nation.

Teenagers will mob convenience stores nationwide, requesting packs of cigarettes. Society is not ready to handle such a rapid-fire increase in high school students trying to become “cool.” We must smash this excess self-esteem before it leads to bullying and a tragic shortage of respectable, single, young women.

This is why we must station fathers, columnists and other realists at convenience stores nationwide. Outside the great windows filled with artificially-flavored snack foods, these brave volunteers will carry offensive slogans to humble the arrogant teenagers.

The more belligerent the signs, the better they’ll be. Slogans like, “You’ve accomplished nothing,” “No one likes you” and “You’ve made Phillip Morris proud!” should work.

We must not forget the 20-year-olds, though. We can team the National Rifle Association with bar and liquor store owners across the country.

We will arm them with 9mm pistols and Uzis — for self-defense only. These business owners will need all the help they can get as hoards of 20-year-olds descend, locust-like on our alcohol emporiums, shouting, “Life begins at conception. Gimme a Budweiser!”

As the chaos in the streets unfolds, fetuses across America will rejoice. Kicks of joy will reverberate inside the wombs of pregnant women. At the same time Fox News will air an exclusive interview with a fetus. After five minutes of silence, Bill O’Reilly will proclaim, “Ha, what now, you liberal bastards! Looks like the rights of the unborn have triumphed over your communist ideals.”

While The Factor’s music fades, so will Roe v. Wade. In its place a struggle will begin — again for a safer, less ashamed and less dogmatic society.

Mangiaracina is a Lenexa senior in journalism.

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