Saturday, September 6th, 2008

Swingers

Cyndi walks in the front door of a very familiar home. Her friends are having a little get-together. She’s excited to see her friends and even a few acquaintances whom she hasn’t seen in what feels like ages.

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

Cyndi walks in the front door of a very familiar home. Her friends are having a little get-together. She’s excited to see her friends and even a few acquaintances whom she hasn’t seen in what feels like ages. The straps from her slinky, black dress cling to her shoulders as she rings the doorbell. She strolls inside and immediately begins to check out everyone at the party. She asks her host to mix her a cocktail. Strong. She eyes a couple sitting on the couch across the room. Glancing over to a mirror on the wall, she makes sure she stills looks as hot as she did when she left home. She picks up her drink and approaches the couple. They’re lounging on a couch, legs intertwined, revealing the woman’s smooth upper thigh. They strike up a conversation with her about the weather. Or politics. Or sports. It doesn’t matter. The dialogue soon turns to the matter at hand. So what sort of stuff are you in to? Do you like to role-play? Do you both want to stay together all night?

Cyndi swings. She has more sex with more people and more often than most people can imagine. She’s been doing it since she was 16 years old. She’s lived in a female-male-female triad relationship for two-and-a-half years. She and her partners in the relationship founded LACouples, the largest swing club in California. Now what would compel a young woman like Cyndi to get involved in this lifestyle? “Because sex is good and that pleasure is good for you,” she says.

A definitive answer as to why swingers swing is hard to find. Too often swinging is associated with practices like “key clubs” - a popular movement in the 1970s among military families in which husbands would throw their house keys into a hat and their wives would then pick the keys whose owners would then become their sexual partners for the night. it’s also called “wife-swapping.” Not the wife-swapping you see on reality TV shows, but wife-swapping where men would essentially trade each other‘s sexual partners.

While key clubs and wife swapping focus on individuals, swinging has evolved into an alternative lifestyle that combines sexual non-monogamy and emotional monogamy in the couples that practice it.

Tony Lazzeratta, executive director for North American Swing Club Association (NASCA) International, the largest legitimate association of swinging clubs in the world, says that the stigma surrounding swinging is unfounded. “In reality,” he says, “swinging is a lifestyle of social activities for couples in committed relationships to be in a social, sensual environment with other like-minded couples.”

According to a study of more than 1,000 swingers in a 2000 edition of the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality by researchers at Bellarmine University, figures vary from 2 to 15 percent of couples in America have incorporated a form of swinging into their relationships at least once. Lazzeratta says the low end of that range is more likely. When it comes down to the people who actually do swing, the people are about as mainstream as they come. The study even goes as far to say that swinging couples are more likely to be politically conservative than anything else.

Republican swingers? These aren’t your typical “sexual deviants.” They are firemen, attorneys, teachers and doctors. Lazzeratta says he even knows of a few sportscasters for Los Angeles professional teams have been known to show up at a party or two with their wives. The study also suggests that most swingers are actually more likely to be less racist, less sexist and less homophobic than the general population.

Lazzeratta estimates that between 60 to 70 percent of swing gatherings take place in people’s homes. Typically, a couple that has been swinging for a while will plan a party for about 10 couples. They will tell some couples that they know swing and ask them to bring a couple or two who may be interested in giving it a try.

A swing party looks like any other party on the surface. Cocktails. Hors d’oeuvres. Guys talk about football. Couples stick together throughout the night. As Lazzeratta puts it, “It’s not every man or woman for themselves. Swinging is about the experience as a couple.”

After a few drinks, the conversations start to deviate a bit. Couples begin to probe each other with questions like “Do you want to play?” and “What are you into?” From there, anything is possible. Foursomes. Eightsomes. Sixteensomes. Some head to the bedroom. Some stay put. Some are in the middle of the action. Some just watch. But most importantly, as Lazzeratta says, the couple decides what to do together.

Not every couple that goes to swing parties ends up in the midst of an orgy. Couples may accept or decline an invitation for play. A couple is more than welcome to attend a party and only have sex with each other. In fact, they don’t even have to have sex at all. Lazzeratta says that 30 to 40 percent of couples go to parties just to be a part of the sensual environment and do nothing while they are there. Plenty of attendees are comfortable just watching.

The other major places for swinging are commercial swinging clubs. However, these are not quite as popular for a number of reasons. First off, commercial clubs are membership-driven. Most couples won’t want to pay a $40 fee for a night at a club when they can have a similar experience at a private swingers party at someone’s home for free. Also, commercial clubs are a tough business to run. There is no such thing as a swing club permit. So clubs have to obtain an adult entertainment permit, which is very difficult to get in many counties. Even with these obstacles, commercial clubs are expanding anyway, according to NASCA International.

Swinging can be a way for a couple to explore and expand its sex life into edgier territory. Most people are titillated by doing something new and exciting with someone they love. “It’s like mountain climbing in the Himalayas,” says Joy Davidson, licensed sex therapist in Seattle and author of the new book, Fearless Sex. “It’s more about the adventure of it all than it is the sex.”

Davidson has worked with a number of couples in open relationships. She says that as long as both partners are sure about trying the lifestyle, swinging can be a wonderful thing for their relationship. The Bellarmine survey agrees. It shows that more than 62 percent of swingers experienced positive changes in their relationships. Thirty-five percent said that their happiness level in the relationship stayed the same and only 1.7 percent became less happy.

Only 1.7 percent? What about all of the jealousy that is sure to arise from swinging? Gloria Brame, a licensed sex therapist from Georgia says she has never seen swinging destroy a marriage. She says that most couples who jump into swinging are very well educated on the activity and have talked with each other about it.

Brame even goes as far to say that swinging is a great way to avoid marriage-threatening problems. Couples who swing have very little to worry about infidelity because each partner can fulfill his or her sexual urges to have sex with other people while his or her partner is there. “The great thing is that swingers never have to lie,” Brame says.

The swinging world may be the most misunderstood sexual lifestyle out there. Long gone are the days of key clubs and wife-swapping. Those practices are more deviant because they don’t focus on the couple experiencing the sexuality together. Most people, according to Lazzeratta, still think there’s a stigma out there that says swinging is a hardcore, purely sex-oriented practice,” he says. “It’s just not that way.” Swinging can be a powerful experience for couples on an emotional and spiritual level, he says.

Probably the biggest misconception about swinging is that the man in the relationship is the instigator, Davidson says. She says in her practice she has seen quite the opposite. Very often it is the woman who enjoys herself the most and wants to go back. They don’t just come along for the ride. This usually isn’t a problem for the men, who typically get more excited about swinging when they are aware of their female partner’s excitement.

Davidson attributes these women’s strong opinions of swinging to the feelings they experience when they are there. “The swing world is powered by women,” she says. The environment at a swing function is very safe, which makes it conducive to the sexual empowerment of women who otherwise feel sexually inhibited. In most situations, it is the woman deciding what the couple will do while they are at the party. They decide with whom the couple will play and what it they’ll do. The environment offers a woman protection, support, empowerment and confidence. That translates to a more sexually open relationship with her partner.

Swinging can have its drawbacks for couples. Cyndi has seen more than her fair share of tough situations arise from unhealthy swinging. She says that swinging is really only designed for people in healthy relationships based on good communication. She says that when couples swing, “good relationships become even more solid while bad relationships just blow up.”

Sex therapists and marriage counselors agree that the swinging lifestyle isn’t one to be taken lightly. The emotional baggage accompanying swinging alone is enough reason for a couple to avoid it all costs, says Elaine Phillips, licensed sexologist from Bloomington, Ill.

Phillips says there is a very real danger surrounding the swinging lifestyle that can be clouded by the fantasy-like intrigue of sexual non-monogamy. “A couple can look at swinging and see nothing but fun, uninhibited sex,” she says, “They don’t really see all the consequences that come along with it.”

Another issue, Phillips notes, is that too often one member of the relationship is much more interested in participating. Swinging is a lifestyle to be shared between both partners of a relationship. If one member is not totally committed to it, jealousy and pain will likely result.

Most sex therapists agree that couples should never enter into swinging thinking it will cure the ills of its relationships. Swinging is not a therapeutic practice. “Couples should only start swinging if they know they can handle it,” Phillips says.

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How to get started

It may not be as easy as John Hancock-ing a contract. There are a few ground rules. First, you have to be in a real relationship with a real person to attend most swing parties. That is, unless you are a woman. Sorry single guys, but you can imagine the problems that would arise if they let all you horny bastards in alone. The ratio of guys to girls would be worse than a Dungeons and Dragons party. And don’t think you can just bring a random, like-minded friend with you and play her off as your girlfriend. Lazzeratta says that experienced swingers have a way picking you out in a crowd and you won’t be asked to come back, no matter how good you are.

Your first task will be to talk to your partner. If your partner seems reluctant, the best idea would be to take a punt on this one. As almost every relationship expert will tell you, the worst thing you can do with swinging is enter into it while one of you is having doubts. Make sure you are both on the same level.

So if you’ve made it past the toughest stage, there are a lot of ways to go. For novices, you will probably want to talk to a couple or two with some experience. Cyndi says that a couple should learn as much as it can about swinging before actually starting. Ask as many questions as you can. There is nothing wrong with knowing too much.

Still think you’re interested? Get on the Web. There are more clubs, groups and chat rooms for swinging on the World Wide Web than there are strands of hair on your head. Read the message boards. Post a few of your own. Swingers always love to meet newbies.

The bottom line is that you communicate well with your partner and make sure it is something you both want. If you get the green light, be confident about your choice. If you believe your relationship will grow and prosper, who’s to say you can’t do it? Plus, you’re going to have some great sex of which most of us can only dream.

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What to know when clubbing it

Most reputable clubs ask newcomers to attend an orientation that’s scheduled just before or at the beginning of club hours or they require a pre-admission interview. Either a club owner or a long time member couple, usually called a host couple, will talk to you about the lifestyle and go over any club rules that you will be expected to follow, give you a tour, and answer any questions you may have.

You’ll want to wear regular clothes, either casual or dressy, depending on the club dress code and whichever you feel most comfortable in. You’ll also want to bring a duffle bag with a sexy outfit to slip into later, condoms, a lubricant, any toys you might want to use and towels if the club has a hot tub.

You’ll probably notice that the regulars usually congregate to socialize. They’re probably not trying to be antisocial; they just want you to have a chance to explore on your own. If you want to meet people on your first night, you’ll have to be the one to make the first move. After your second or third visit, they’ll probably make more of an effort to include you in their conversations and introduce you to others.

In most clubs, the hot tub is one of the best places to socialize. Some clubs won’t allow you to have sex in the tub because semen can change the pH in the water. Early in the night you will usually just find people relaxing and talking, but later you’ll find more “playing.” After your orientation, hop in the tub and introduce yourself. It’s a great way to relax if you’re feeling nervous.

Source: www.swingstream.com

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