Cohen: Food is expensive; this wisdom, priceless
Tips for freshmen to sruvive on, even after all the frozen pizzas are gone.
By Ben Cohen
Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
We’ve returned to Lawrence, unofficial capital of Midwest college towns, and resumed the lives of students. We work diligently to ensure ourselves well-paying jobs and secure futures, constantly finding new ways to effectively balance the responsibilities of college with the new freedoms of independent life.
Okay then, that is out of the way, so your parents have probably breathed a deep sigh of relief and stopped reading, confident that quality journalists are taking care of their babies. Whatever you do, do not destroy that illusion for them. Freshmen, you have just officially begun your new lives as Jayhawks. No matter where you are from or what kind of life you lived before, there are a lot of things you will have to learn in order to make it, and I am taking it upon myself to give you a head start. Here, for you are a handful of nuggets of wisdom to remember this coming year, conveniently numbered to make them look more interesting.
Food is expensive. You can’t just put frozen pizzas on Mom’s shopping list anymore. Even getting a doughnut and coffee at the Underground every morning will add up after a while.
1. Some of your neighbors will be rather annoying. In a wing full of people in their late teens, it is inevitable that at least a few will get into loud, repetitive arguments in the hallways, constantly try to hang out in your room to play your PS3, or stay up to odd hours of the night playing the worst acoustic rendition of “Purple Haze” you or anyone else has ever heard. In this case, it is wise to walk into said bad musician’s room and begin singing along. Loudly. In the wrong key. It shows them who’s boss.
2. Food is expensive. You can’t just put frozen pizzas on Mom’s shopping list anymore. Even getting a doughnut and coffee at the Underground every morning will add up after a while. Take solace in the fact that chicken cheddar wraps contain representatives of every group in the Food Pyramid, meaning you can potentially survive on one meal a day.
3. Every kind of person imaginable can be found on Wescoe Beach. No matter how hard the Union may try, the Beach is the true center of this fine university. Here is where most students will hang out between classes, doing Sudoku, talking to friends, and wondering where that spot they almost sat on came from. It is also on the Beach that you will find, on any given day, singing Hari Krishnas, people who willingly degrade themselves as fund-raisers, a crazy guy from Nebraska who uses extension cords to teach anatomy lessons, and people who want you to sign petitions ranging from convincing congressmen to vote in a particular way to putting the Flying Spaghetti Monster in science textbooks. Enjoy the spectacle.
4. Even the best athletes can be seen on campus. Oh, accessibility, cool! Let’s gaze at them in amazement and act like we know them because we saw them on TV! Actually, you are probably annoying the hell out of them. Get used to it, and try not to stare, not even at that dreamboat Mark Mangino.
There you have it. There is plenty that even I can not prepare you for in this small space. After all, your parents might have started reading again.
Cohen is a Topeka junior in journalism and English.
Discussion
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ugh. what a waste of space for the kansan.
Do you just insist on being a jerk all the time?
It takes far more courage to write something that thousands of people see and connect with your name and face, than it takes to trash people online under a screenname. Grow the hell up.
Columnist applications are available in December. Why don't you sign up, and put your money where your mouth is. Or are you afraid that someone will call something you've written 'a waste of space?'
I would argue that it really doesn't take any more courage to write something that a mass audience will see then writing a term paper for class.
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