Jorgensen: Pants, yes pants, a key moral issue
Pant-linked deaths increase worldwide
Nazis, terrorists, women, and nuts can attribute pants for influencing their lives. Reading this column will waste 2 minutes of your life. April Fools!
Friday, March 30th, 2007
Fuck pants.
Pants are dangerous and should be disregarded completely if we as a species plan to stay the dominant force on this planet.
The U.S. government predicts 129,000 Americans each year die at the murderous hand of pants, and another 5,000,000 worldwide — mostly in rich countries where citizens can afford multiple pairs of pants.
The terrorists are trying to use pants to kill Americans and demoralize our nation’s children. Some have even gone as far to say that it is pants who are running this terrorist group, and are looking to create sleeper cells within our borders. These cells are called “sleep bottoms,” because they hide from the public and are the lowest form of scum.
The number one leading cause of death from pants is strangulation. Those numbers are especially high among those in glam bands, and also among bicyclists, who have exceptionally tight pants.
Although there is no scientific proof that pants can come to life, there is one account in a rural Minnesota town that may serve as proof. One man claimed that as he slept one night, his cargo pants — purchased at a local Dillard’s — came to life and tried to swallow him through the waistline.
However, eyewitness accounts dispute that claim, saying the man was blacked out from drinking and was “looking for his keys,” and crawled into the pants, where he passed out.
Alive or not, pants have historically been, and continue to be, a leading cause of death among those with legs.
Historians have linked pants to the Nazi defeat of the French in World War II. The French were unprepared for battle because they were not in the fields or at the Maginot Line, but in their homes debating which camouflage pant best matched their bustiers and berets. They lost because of pants! It makes me sick.
An investigation by The University Daily Kansan showed links between pants-related deaths in America and terrorism. The American National Pants Board has worked closely with Spain’s national pants board, Pantalones!, to promote and coordinate in the production of pants for the past two years. Francisco Cabrera, Pantalones!’s chairman, was caught accepting funds from a terrorist group, which he then laundered through the American National Pants Board to American pants manufacturers.
These manufacturers accepted the terrorists’ money on the grounds that there would be an increase in tight-fitting pants and increase in the production of overalls. A Reuters’ report yesterday exposed sequins may have been a condition of the agreement as well.
The terrorists are trying to use pants to kill Americans and demoralize our nation’s children. Some have even gone as far to say that it is pants who are running this terrorist group, and are looking to create sleeper cells within our borders. These cells are called “sleep bottoms,” because they hide from the public and are the lowest form of scum.
In national polls, pants approval rating has dropped drastically during the last six months. This can be attributed to a massive swing in unpopularity among women. Many women have become disgusted with pants as the number of incidents involving men’s ball-grabbing and crotch-fixing has increased.
Pants helped the Nazis, killed millions, supported terrorism and caused excessive nut-tugging.
Pants power isn’t a political issue, it’s a moral issue. It’s time we abandon pants and start going ultimate-commando. We need to act before pants strike when we’re not looking, and pass us on the food chain.
Jorgensen writes stuff sometimes, when he’s not busy tugging at his crotch.
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another terrible article from eric jorgensen. has he graduated yet? or better yet, have you fired him yet?
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