White: God doesn’t live here anymore
Too much focus on self-righteousness takes the focus off the point of a deity
By Zach White
Thursday, November 29th, 2007
All right everyone, God has now officially abandoned us all. And yes, it may sound terrible, and rob you of hope, but it is true. Our deus has left his machina. The creator and benevolent maintenance worker of all has been driven away, and not by the ecclesiastical outlaws you might expect. Oh no, he loved the well dressed wolf men and tennis players of the world. It was the mondo preach-and-teach men and women of America that stared our Lord in the face and made him flinch.
You see I had a dream. And in this dream seven angels appeared unto me, each representing one of the four corners of the earth. And when they appeared we sat around a Stuckey’s in Kearney, Neb., and had a chat over gin and tonics and mixed nuts. They told me of a postcard shop in Turkmenistan, Ala, where I could find a DVD of Freakazoid. But more importantly they told me about God’s recent departure from our little slush-ball. They said that he just couldn’t take the mega-churches and big-tent revivalism that had been popping up in the past century or so. Especially the praise bands.
Whoever first decided that the best way to show appreciation for existing was to play a guitar while a less talented friend swings a tambourine, and to repetitively shout some chorus involving the word “glory,” is entirely responsible for God’s current lack of interest. Although anyone that agreed is only slightly less responsible.
God doesn’t want us to have “fellowship” with him. God is a grumpy old man with a lot of regrets, who sometimes actually does resemble Walter Malthau. He created plagues, pine sap and large cats that enjoy ripping the faces off of things. He is not interested in a local high school’s Sunshine, pardon me, Sonshine club meetin’ up at the flagpole to pray about biology textbooks. In fact, if someone is attempting to contact the maker of all Heaven and Earth, and is not being faced with the aforementioned cats or some other thing with similar intentions, then they are not only wasting his time, but they are selfish and need some perspective. Although it’s too late now. He’s gone. And there are children in Mali, being defaced, whose cries are falling on deaf ears, because of those people, their oversized congregation and the praise and worship players.
Though, rumor has it, he may be willing to return someday if Scientology starts to catch on. There hasn’t been a good smiting in quite a while.
White a Colorado Springs, Colo., junior in journalism.
Discussion
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[ ] is a logical discourse
[ ] provides perspective
[ ] gives intriguing examples
[x] pointless
I'm confident that the dialogue that goes on around a table of patrons at Stuckey's in Nebraska is at least as worthwhile as this "column."
Really, the Kansan editor should intervene to keep people from embarrassing themselves and KU with this self-congratulatory drivel.
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