Sunday, October 12th, 2008

Goble: Heckling is as ‘Merican as warm apple pie

Heckling is a part of life.

By Corban Goble (Contact)

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

Once upon a time, a friend of mine scored some sweet behind-the-dugout tickets to a Royals game. However, the seats did not overlook our hometown heroes, but the opposing bench.

I saw an opportunity.

Many see heckling as a negative thing. People say, “Corban, they’re just men putting in a hard day’s work” or “Give them a break, they have enough pressure put on them as it is.”

Frankly, hypothetical detractor, I don’t buy it.

When I slap down $20 (and in some cases, much more) to see grown men make hefty paychecks for hitting small rawhide balls and jogging lazily, I am also purchasing my right to criticize their every move.

It’s in the Constitution. Somewhere toward the end.

Miguel Tejada, the previous year’s American League MVP, strutted up to the plate and immediately popped out in foul territory a few baby steps left of third base. As Tejada was slinking back to the dugout, the very dugout I was sitting atop like a Supreme Court Justice, I hurled a deliciously sly “MVP!” his way.

Let me put his response this way: If they had aired the exchange on TBS, Tejada would’ve said, “Flunk you, britches.”

I don’t know which was more disturbing: the vitriolic eye contact or the fact that a prominent, supposedly “professional” athlete couldn’t handle a comment from a freckled, lanky teenager whose athletic prospects are minimal at best.

I felt empowered.

Look back to the 1920s and ’30s. Baseball was king. It was our soccer before the whole Champions League exploded.

Sure, many of the best players to have ever pulled on long, ungodly uncomfortable wool socks weren’t allowed to play, but hey! Baseball still reigned until the late 1960s.

Now we are a segmented sports culture with too many professional sports to consume. Even at this University, we can’t handle two successful sports teams at once.

Remember when our football team was in the home stretch of their historic season? Hardly anyone went to the Kansas vs. Arizona basketball game.

Heckling is the answer.

Sports fans, we pay outrageous sums just to attend sporting events. Go to StubHub.com or Ace Sports on 23rd, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Heckling, something that has gone on since cavemen first slammed rocks into other rocks, can revive the great national pastime of baseball by injecting some solid, truly invasive heckling.

My younger brother, Clark, is a tremendous heckler. He has an incredible knack for discovering most obscure gaffes that many Major Leaguers stuff into the far recesses of their cranium.

Prom dates? Unbelievably racist MySpaces? All of these things are fair game to him.

When heckling becomes our greatest national sport, I will be on the sidelines when Clark wins the Golden Notepad at the first Heckling National Tournament.

Last week I was in Las Vegas, and I ran into Pete Rose, who hangs out in Sin City a lot, apparently (a presence that I’m sure helps his Hall of Fame chances).

He was signing baseballs for the low, low price of $99 a pop. I offered him $10 for a hug and flashed me an eye-rolling grimace. What a guy.

People say, “Professional athletes are just like us,” but they’re not.

Professional athletes have been trained to act like this since the first time they ever showed a flash of prodigious talent. This makes for some seriously imbalanced, eccentric people. The generosity of Pete Rose. Michael Vick. I once read that Andy Roddick was scared to tears by a guy wearing a bunny suit. Does this sound normal to you?

Let’s bring these Richie Riches down to our level. It’s democracy!

Discussion

All comments are moderated by Kansan.com staff. For our full user policy, click here.

111 Stauffer-Flint Hall • 1435 Jayhawk Blvd. • Lawrence, Kansas 66045 • (785) 864-4810