Reconciling your roommate differences
Published on Thu., August 21st, 2008
“Do not sleep on my bed again, idiot. If you do, you will be cursed.”
The dark red letters stared back at me, scrawled on a white sheet of computer paper, strategically placed on the center of my roommate’s bed at Jayhawker Towers.
About four weeks earlier, my friend and I had enjoyed a night out while my roommate was out of town. Our evening ended in a drunken walk back to my apartment, leaving my friend with nowhere to sleep but my roommate’s bed.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
After spotting the angry note, I became afraid to say anything to my roommate, so I did the most logical thing I could think of: I switched apartments.
Looking back, I realize my former roommate and I probably could have avoided this disagreement. Our main problem was miscommunication, which Susan Fee, licensed counselor and author of My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy, says is the biggest problem for new roommates.
Fee decided to write her book after hearing of two roommates who, after having a disagreement, sat in a room together and argued. Their heated words were not spoken, however. They were sent via instant messenger. When Fee asked one of the girls why she didn’t just turn around and communicate with her roommate the old-fashioned way, the girl answered, “I could never say these things to my roommate’s face.”
As this new semester begins, you’ve likely found yourself in one of two roommate situations: living with a stranger or living with a friend. But no matter which situation, communication is key, and whether you’ve had countless roommates or have never lived with anyone before, here are some basic guidelines everyone should follow when moving in with someone new.
Peace Treaty
After living in McCollum Hall her first semester at the University, Yalanda Jackson followed in my footsteps and switched rooms before the end of the school year. Jackson, 2008 graduate, says her roommate was both messy and disrespectful. After dealing with moldy dishes and underwear strewn about the room, Jackson decided she could no longer live with such a messy person. “I wasn’t raised to let bowls lie around until they created mold,” Jackson says.
About 60 percent of KU students choose to live with someone they don’t know their freshman year, says Jennifer Wamelink, associate director for residence life for the Department of Student Housing. Students opt to do this for a variety of reasons. For Jackson, though she knew a few people also coming to the University, she says she didn’t know anyone well enough to live with them.
Unless a student submits a roommate request to the Department of Student Housing, roommates for residence halls and Jayhawker Towers are assigned based on a computer system.
All on-campus roommates begin the semester by filling out a roommate contract, which outlines detailed agreements to help roommates address issues such as property division, sharing guidelines and expected sleeping behaviors.
“This contract is meant to encourage each roommate to figure out their needs and wants,” Wamelink says. “Most issues between roommates boil down to a lack of communication and a lack of expectation.”
Fee suggests being up-front about as much as you can when you meet your new roommate. Start out with the facts: Find out about each other’s academic interests, personal interests and relationship status. Follow up the basics with specific roommate-related questions: What are your cleaning habits? Where do you study? When do you expect privacy in the room? What mood are you usually in when you wake up in the morning?
Don’t be self-conscious about admitting your honest behaviors. “It’s like dating,” Fee says. “Ask these kinds of questions, but also be willing to share stuff about yourself.”
You won’t cover every topic right away, Fee says. Unfortunately, many issues won’t come up until you experience them firsthand. Make sure to be open and honest about any problems that may arise, and be especially open to the possibility that your roommate is different than you.
To get to know your roommate, Wamelink suggests attending Hawk Week activities hosted at the beginning of the semester, as well as any dormitory events.
Friendly Fire
Who better to live with than your best friend? At least that’s what Sarah Schroeppel, Hutchinson graduate student, thought when planning her housing arrangements at Lewis Hall for her freshman year. However, living with her best friend didn’t turn out as she expected. “We really just weren’t on the same page,” Schroeppel says.
Her roommate worked late and studied hard while Schroeppel, who slept on the top bunk, stayed out late partying. Their differences eventually made the living situation unbearable, so Schroeppel decided to move out at semester. She says she wanted to stay friends with her roommate and thought if she continued living with her, that wouldn’t happen.
The most common problem roommates who are best friends face is not discussing differences and possible conflicts that they believe they already know about. “You think you know this person so well that you don’t have to have the initial conversations all roommates should have,” Fee says. “This is very wrong to assume.”
Ryan Dreher, Drexel senior, says he had no expectations when he moved in with a friend, and adds that his living arrangement was fine until about three months into the semester. One night, he arrived home very late and found his roommate impatiently waiting up for him. She asked him where he had been and said it would have been common courtesy to call her in advance and let her know he would be home late.
“She wasn’t my mother, and I wasn’t married to her,” Dreher says. “I shouldn’t have had to tell her these things.”
Forty percent of KU freshmen choose to live with a friend, Wamelink adds. If you’ve decided to do this, start by identifying your expectations. Do you expect your friend to meet new people at the same time you do? Do you expect your friend to spend all his or her time with you? Make sure your expectations are reasonable, and remember that it’s always wise to make new friends. “You’re going to have times when you don’t like your roommate,” Fee says. “If you haven’t made new friends, then you will have no one to hang out with.”
Also, don’t choose to live with your friend because she has a TV and you have an entertainment center. “When looking for a roommate, young students tend to only look so far as material possessions,” Fee says. “But you need to look deeper than that.”
Find a roommate whose habits and lifestyle match your own.
Joint Effort
If you and your roommate are having difficulties, make sure to try your best to make it work before starting the daunting task of moving. If there is a specific problem that needs to be addressed, don’t use the word “you.” By accusing your roommate with phrases such as “you are a slob” or “you don’t respect me,” you are attacking the person and not the problem. Make sure to separate the person from the behavior so as to elicit the desired behavior. Also, focus your conversation on the facts and not any nasty feelings you may have about your roommate at the time. And remember to compromise, because living with another person is all about reaching agreements.
If you continue to have problems after speaking up and trying everything you possibly can, it may be time to move out. However, it’s a common misconception that all roommates don’t get along. Not every situation can be anticipated, but by trying your hardest from the beginning, living with someone new might turn into a positive experience.
“Your roommate may not end up being your best friend forever,” Wamelink says. “But they won’t stay your enemy forever, either.”
Does that mean my curse has been lifted? Let’s hope so.
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