Guy: Blow jobs are like Sheridan’s for lunch. It’s good, but it’s not everything I want in a meal.
Girl: You should have been there Saturday. Saturday was my day of debauchery.
Guy: Debauchery?
Girl: Yeah. Beer, hookah and biscuits and gravy.
Guy 1: I despise Valentine’s Day. In fact, if anyone else wishes me a Happy Valentine’s Day, I’m going to hurt them.
Guy 2: Happy Valentine’s Day!
Guy 1: If I had a heavy object of some kind, I would so throw it at you right now.
Guy 1: (speaking like William Shatner) There’s…something in my pants.
Guy 2: No there’s not.
Professor: It wasn’t really a “fuck.” It was more like a “fucklet.” That’s my new favorite word: “fucklet.”
Guy 1: Wait, he inherited an Amish family?
Guy 2: Not inherited…
Guy 1: No, that’s awesome. He should be like, “Hey, I own you. Do stuff for me.”
Guy: Has anyone seen Beerfest?
Girl: Yeah. More like sausage fest.
Guy 1: When I go to that class on Friday, I always feel like she’s just speaking gibberish.
Guy 2: I always feel like that.
Girl 1: Does the Lawrence Journal-World have a Saturday edition?
Girl 2: No. The news stops on weekends.
Guy 1: (to girl passing by) Hi!
Guy 2: I hope you don’t think that saying “hi” is going to get you laid.
Girl: (on phone) Well, I really need to take a shower and at least do a little homework before I go tanning.
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