Lawrence senior Emily Nelson and her high school sweetheart tied the knot after six years of dating. But this was a knot that would soon come undone.
“He was the wrong one, but I was in love,” Nelson says. “If I had walked away on my wedding day, my friends would have all gotten up and cheered. They were happy we split."
Photo by Lisa Lipovac
Photo illustration
Relationships begin with promises of understanding and affection. Sometimes, as in Nelson’s case, relationships lead to love and an intimate connection, blossoming into a lifelong companionship.
Other times they end with a split. But breakups don’t have to be an unhappy end. In fact, they can lead to a new relationship—when the time is right. But before anyone can move on, they must first cope with the failed relationship. Skipping the grieving process can set the person up for another failed relationship.
Before a new relationship can begin, a person must “grieve” and get over the previous relationship, says Lynn Harris, co-creator of www.BreakupGirl.net.
“For the first week or so, it’s Wallow City, and you’re the mayor,” Harris says. “Be sad. You need to get the breakup toxins out of your system. But it’s important to force yourself to get back into the swing of things. Getting up and out will help you go the last mile toward ‘over it’.”
Nelson used the reason she split from her husband as the motivation for getting over the relationship.
“I ended the marriage because I had outgrown him,” Nelson says. “I was going to school, and he wasn’t. He wanted to be a little boy.”
While no one sets out to fail at a relationship, breakups do not need to be seen as failure or the end, says Karen Gail Lewis, a marriage and family therapist based in Cincinnati.
Instead, it should be a time of reflection and preparation for future relationships.
“You take the things you learned and learn how to make them better. ‘What did I do wrong in this relationship to do better next time?’” Lewis says. “You look at ‘What is my part of why the relationship didn’t work?’”
Lewis, also the author of Parents and Their Grown Children, says breakups can be beneficial.
“Breakups are necessary because you thought you were attracted to a person and you realize, ‘This is not a good person for me to be with,’” Lewis says.
People don’t know how to communicate. People don’t know what issues of their own are really driving their frustrations with their partners.
-author Lynn Harris
When a long-term relationship ends, “next time” and “self-improvement” are difficult concepts to grasp as a person tries to cope with sadness. When Laura Pahls, Garden City senior, broke up with her boyfriend of more than two years, she says she was angry.
“I helped him a lot and he wasn’t appreciating all I did,” Pahls said. “I found him a job, made his resume, let him live with me when he had nowhere to go.”
Pahls says her friends helped her cope the most. “I had been ditching my friends a lot because he was so needy,” she says. “I spent a lot of time with my friends, I became more social again. Without them I don’t know what I would have done.”
Nelson also had help coping with her split with her husband.
“I had a brand new baby,” Nelson says. “I just let him go. I had to focus on my child. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
Pahls and Nelson did not fall victim to a method Lewis says is not a good way to cope with a failed relationship.
“Drowning your sorrows in alcohol is the best way to have a bad next relationship,” Lewis says. “You’re not allowing yourself to feel the grief.”
Of the many reasons relationships fail, Harris, author of Breakup Girl to the Rescue!, says lack of communication plays the biggest part.
“People don’t know how to communicate,” Harris says. “People don’t know what issues of their own are really driving their frustrations with their partners.”
To help avoid quarrels, Lewis offers advice in the form of a four-letter word: Talk.
“Talking helps resolve the issues that cause anger and is one of the main factors of bringing couples together,” Lewis says.
Talking—as opposed to yelling—will bring results in relationships. It can help couples work through problems and prevent unnecessary breakups. In today’s “quick-fix, everything’s-disposable, flavor-of-the-month culture,” people sometimes lack the tools and desire to make flawed relationships work, Harris says.
“Winston Churchill once said, ‘When you’re going through hell keep on going,’” Harris says. “Be willing to dig in and work out the tough stuff rather than bailing.”
Talking serves not just as a means of spreading gossip or releasing stress about a bad test score. It can save a relationship and prevent a trek through “hell.” Utilize speech intelligently and your relationship is likely to improve. If not, then at least you’ll have the skills to communicate with someone at the bar while you drink away your sorrows.
