I (vow to destroy all) Robots
Robots have too much power.
By Corban Goble (Contact)
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
There have been plenty of warnings. Three “Terminator” movies exist, and now there’s even a “Terminator” TV series. Robots. They build Toyotas and screw the lids onto Snapples. Their actions are intertwined with our daily lives. Ever used an ATM? My point exactly. My prediction for 2008? The end of humanity as we know it at the hands of our metallic “friends.” My resolution? To destroy every robot in the world, either personally, or through an osmotic transmission of my teachings.
We should’ve seen this coming. While the Hollywood robot-sympathizers pumped out movies with sassy, off-beat robots (think Star Wars, Short Circuit, Mystery Science Theatre 3000), the more intelligent among us, including myself, naturally recognized these cinematic projections as obvious attempts to delude the dull masses. When I was in high school, not only did the student body elect to me to a position once, but a remarkable two times. By my count, that is the maximum number of times a candidate running for an annual office can get elected in the span of two years. You could say I hold the record for the most elections won in that time frame. Anyways, one of my campaign’s principal slogans beamed “With robots growing stronger and more intelligent, I can protect you from the evil ones.” It was a central tenet of the campaign, and my anti-robot policies played a huge role in my victories, in one of which I garnered 100 percent of the vote. Just check my exit polls. I’ve known about this threat for a long time.
Are all robots evil? The answer is, without exception, a resonant “yes.” While there remains a perception of robots helping the lesser-abled, let me assure you this is all part of the robots’ grand attempt to bide time, earn our trust, and intricately design our demise. Did you see “Space Odyssey 2001?” Crafty work there, HAL 3000. That’s the thing about robots. They are always scheming.
That’s why this American puts it on himself to destroy anything the least bit automated. Do you ever wonder who regularly smashes toll meters on Massachusetts Street? Pulverizes credit card scanners in the Underground? Splinters the motion sensors at the 23rd Street Dillons? I think you know who’s responsible. Call it an act of patriotism, or at least, a powerful and destructive statement. And to the elderly woman in front of Liberty Hall whose automatic entry keychain I smashed, I’m only partially sorry. I had to do what I did.
So what does this mean for you, reader? To this point, you’ve let your country, and to some extent, me, down. The warning signs have been shockingly clear. The sub-prime lending crisis? Robots. The decay of print journalism? Robots. The inordinate wealth of the richest members of society due to the system of democracy and the growth of a political economy? I’m going to let you guess who’s behind this one (those robots read Locke).
Look how much progress I’ve made. If each one of us takes a fraction of the initiative I have taken, we’ll have the metal-plated mooches off of our backs forever.
You’ll have your doubts. You’ll think aloud, hopefully at an anti-robot rally, hopefully clutching this article, “Why, Corban, why should we turn upon treasured robot members of society, such as ED-209 from “RoboCop” and Mechagodzilla? Can we not live in peace?” First of all, that can’t happen because those robots you speak of are fictional. Second, a robotic “peace” offering would likely be a trap, unleashing a computer virus or a power outage, or triggering an Amazon.com order for 15 copies of “Gigli” on your MasterCard. And I just paid the last 15 off! That’s another thing about robots. They’re good with computers.
I can see the future now. Besides the fact that I see my children while beating your children at standardized tests and class rankings, a testament to their father’s own superior bench-press and mental fortitude, I see a future with no harassment from robot solicitors, robot DMV employees or Dick Cheney (currently 75 percent machine). We will live without some of the frills that the “good” robots provide; but “good” robots are just evil robots waiting to happen.
You’re welcome for the heads-up.
Goble is a Mission Hills senior in English.
Discussion
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I thought these were the opinion pages. Instead all I ever read about is laundry and robots taking over the world. Doesn't anyone have an opinion anymore?
These are the opinion pages. Do you not see the opinion in this arcticle? You must be a robot yourself.
I, for one, embrace our new mechanical overlords with open arms.
AFFIRMATIVE
No, I don't see an opinion. I see a funny article about robots, which would be okay on the "funny articles about robots" page, except that there isn't one. Maybe it's next to the laundry page and funny end of the world stories page. Those must be in the "clever" section.
i must agree with you corban we need to take a stand against the robots
SimonJester, the entire internet community would like you to pull the stick out of your ass. This is the freakin UDK, a college newspaper where freedom of speech actually exists. If you want nothing but hard news and politically aligned opinion columns, the New York Times is free with your student ID at Fraiser Hall and Watson Library. If you want to enjoy the first amendment in the way our forefathers intended (allowing all people to voice their opinions no matter how ridiculous they are) then read the UDK. Realize these four years in college are your only chance to think and agree with stuff outside of the box before your shoved into the real world. The point here is SimonJester, lighten up and enjoy peoples opinion for a change. Just because it is not 100% serious, does not mean you can find joy in it.
I take it this means our electronica blip-hop group is going to be acoustic from now on?
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