Rules of attraction
The science behind what causes and keeps our attention
By Peyton Baldwin (Contact)
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
You and your friends are out for a night of Stop Day partying. Across the room you spot a hot guy or girl. Your eyes meet. Your heart starts to beat a little faster. A sense of euphoria comes over you, though you haven’t even spoken to the person. You happen to run into each other. The attraction and giddiness continue as you talk. You exchange numbers.
Other than finding someone you are attracted to, what has really happened there?
Actually, a lot. Chemicals are released in your brain, your emotions automatically ascend to sheer happiness, your palms sweat, you smile, and you feel a little aroused. You may not even know some of this happened, because attraction is a lot more complex than you might realize.
Photo by Catherine Coquillette
What causes attraction
Humans have a primal need to seek a partner and mate. We are continuously scanning for a potential husband or wife (yes, even at age 20), and though you may think you’re just doing it because you want to get laid, this is nature telling us we must have offspring and secure a place in society for our species. Physical attributes are often the first thing people notice.
“Men generally are attracted by the face, hair, outfit, legs, bust or buns,” says Jesse Johnson, relationship coach and counselor and co-creator of the marriage and relationship Web site www.personaltransformations.com. “Women usually look for someone with good grooming, nice buns and a good smell.”
The focus of the 2008 Mind and Body issue of TIME magazine was love and romance. The magazine stated that men tend to prefer ample breasts and broad hips because those are characteristics of a woman who is able to bear and nurse children. Women, on the other hand, see a broad chest and shoulders as a turn-on. Those are characteristics of a man who can protect and provide for a household.
Looks are what first attracted A.J. Henry, Topeka junior, to his girlfriend, Kelsey Cline, Lawrence junior. Cline admits she was also attracted to Henry’s physical appearance, but she says his humor is what really got her attention.
Good communication and showing interest are the next two attributes that add to an attraction, Jesse Johnson says. Melva Johnson, relationship coach and counselor and Jesse’s wife, says that if you show an interest in a person, that will elicit a positive response from both of you.
Think about the last time you spoke with a stranger. Did he or she ask you questions about yourself? And not those typical, “What do you do?”, “Where are you from?” kind of questions, but the “What are your dreams?”, “What do you want out of life?” kind of questions. Show some genuine interest, and you’ll likely receive a positive response. That doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever, but it’s a step in the right direction. Once you are able to communicate and open up to the person, a more committed relationship can evolve, Melva says.
Attraction actually takes place on two different levels—a conscious level and an unconscious level. According to Jesse and Melva Johnson, 90 percent of attraction is unconscious. The conscious part is how you react to someone’s overall appearance and demeanor. The unconscious part encompasses your past relationships and your life history. “For example, people who tend to be guarded and don’t become too emotionally attached to others will be attracted to someone else who doesn’t become emotionally attached,” Jesse says. “Or if you grew up with alcoholism in your family, you will naturally be drawn to someone with substance abuse.”
How does this happen? That’s a good question, and one that science can’t really explain.
This is sometimes referred to as the Imago Relationship Theory. The theory was co-created by Harville Hendrix, clinical pastoral counselor, and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, in 1984. Hendrix defines Imago as unconsciously choosing a partner based on positive and negative traits that are similar to those of an individual’s parents. Hendrix and Hunt now provide relationship workshops.
Meeting someone who can satisfy your needs is another source of this unconscious attraction. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and Mars and Venus on a Date, says those needs can be very simple or be deeply rooted.
Photo by Catherine Coquillette
“As a woman, you may see a man carrying a large load and become attracted to him because he has bigger muscles and is stronger. He will be able to help carry or move things, therefore meeting a need for you,” Gray says.
Brandon Hinson says he can’t really explain why he is so into his girlfriend of 13 months, Kelly Kerr, Leawood senior. “I just know that if you put her in a lineup of 100 girls, she’d still stand out because she is on her own level.”
A mate can also meet your needs by providing healing. Gray says we tend to duplicate relationships or situations from the past. For example, if a woman grew up with an absentee father, she will tend to be attracted to married or unavailable men. This is when being able to identify these unconscious attractions is important. Being attracted to unavailable men is not going to help you get the healing you need, but recognizing that you seek someone who can be there for you and therefore provide healing or resolve your past issues is the main part.
In Mars and Venus on a Date, Gray addresses men’s goal to make women happy and women’s goal to be happy. If a man receives a positive reaction from a woman, then he believes he can make her happy. A woman will get excited about this same situation, because she anticipates that the man really can make her happy. Both instances show how, through unconscious attraction, men and women can fulfill each other’s needs.
Gray also identifies growth and learning as a factor of unconscious attraction. We seek out someone who is not exactly like us. We want to learn new things, and those people who have different experiences can teach us about them. Opposites really do attract. Beth Rogers, Overland Park sophomore, and her boyfriend, Andre Fyler, Liberal junior, are a perfect example. “He gets along with just about everyone he meets, and he’s really outgoing, which I’m not,” Rogers says. “I really feel like he balances me out.”
Reactions in the mind and body
Physical reactions take place while these unconscious factors are at work. Attraction releases chemicals in the brain. This causes the presence of endorphins, which create a high. “This reaction is why you can stay up all night talking to someone you’ve become attracted to, get up and go to class the next day and still feel great,” Jesse Johnson says. This is why everyone seems to love beginning a new relationship, as the level of euphoria is one that you don’t usually feel at any other time in a relationship. Melva Johnson says this is why many people will bounce from one relationship to another within short periods of time.
Some reactions are specific to men and women, though. For women, the sequence of reactions begins with intrigue or interest, which promotes positive feelings and curiosity, which then leads to conversation, Gray says. Next comes emotional attraction, where women open up and become more deeply involved. Sexual attraction comes last. Gray notes that if a woman feels sexual attraction first, she probably has underlying issues and may be trying to duplicate a past relationship.
Men have this same series of attractions, but in the reverse order. “A man will know within the first minute if there is a sexual connection,” Gray says. It is not until the sexual attraction is confirmed that they will engage themselves further and let their mind and emotions become involved.
Some sexual arousal may also occur within that first minute, but not in the sense that we usually think of. Testosterone rules in men, and when they become attracted to someone, they experience a surge of testosterone. This can happen a couple hundred times a day, according to Gray. So, in other words, men are constantly aroused. Women may see this as odd or gross, but the reality is that men probably don’t even notice because they are so used to being attracted to someone or something that they don’t really notice the surge of testosterone. Sexual arousal is in the background for men, but if a sexual overtone were to occur for a woman, it would definitely be in the foreground, Gray says.
The long-term attraction
Many of the things you liked or saw from the first time you met someone are still things that attract you to that person, but there are more emotions and characteristics involved in long-term attraction. You know the person better, and what is keeping you with him or her is not just the person’s looks or your unconscious attractions.
“He’s dead sexy, he’s incredibly smart—way smarter than I am— he’s hilarious, and he’s absolutely incredible between the sheets,” Abby Woody, Hutchinson junior, says of her boyfriend, Alex Noury. Woody says she was first attracted to Noury because he smelled amazing and was witty.
Tyler Miller, Springfield, Mo., junior, has been dating Juliana Schafer, Olathe junior, for about a year and half, and says his attraction has definitely become more deeply rooted over time. “It’s funny, but with time you begin to appreciate a person’s quirks much more than their perfections,” Miller says. “This is not to say they are any less attractive, just in a different way.” He still enjoys the fact that Schafer laughs at his jokes, though, which was one of the initial attraction factors.
Some people are looking to find their soul mate through initial attraction. Gray defines a soul mate as the person you desire to spend the rest of your life with. All three types of attraction—cognitive, emotional and sexual—must be present in order to have these feelings. He also says he doesn’t believe the age-old theory that there is one person out there for everyone.
“You don’t necessarily have only one soul mate, because you can have compatibility on a soul level with several different people. It is the other factors that decide if this is going to be someone you actually spend your life with.” By those other factors, Gray is referring to where each person is in his or her life, the values each of you have and where you are located.
The list of things that keeps Reagan Kemper, 2007 graduate, attracted to her husband is a long one. Many of them demonstrate how initial attraction turns into fulfilling each other’s needs. After six and half years together—they are now married—Kemper still loves her husband, Jeremiah’s, blue eyes and curly hair. But he also contributes to making her feel whole. “I love knowing that we are in this life together and that no matter what ups and downs we have, he will be there for me,” she says.
No matter what you are looking for or how the attraction starts, we all seem to be looking for that one special someone. Of course, that could be the romantic, girly side of me talking. Good luck to everyone out there.
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