On this week's episode of "Off the Record," hosts Wyatt Hall, Nicole Dolan and Taylor Worden talk about the light of their week — Harry Styles — before delving into how they're coping with everything going on right now, including, but not limited to: the 2020 election, end-of-semester stress and the beginning of seasonal depression.
Person 1: This song slaps.
Person 2: Your mom slaps.
Person 1: Thank you, my mom is a kind and wonderful lady.
Person 1: I’m so sick of alcohol.
Person 2: I don’t know, I’m getting stronger every day. I love it.
Person 1: Do you do the vegan wrap here?
Person 2: We can do the chicken wrap with no cheese?
Person 1: I’ll take the Beyond Burger please.
Person 1: Oh my God! I feel like I know you somehow…
Person 2: Yeah, we went to high school together.
Person 1: Oh! *walks off*
Guy 1: Is the black market even real? Has anyone ever been on it?
Guy 2: I tried once but I couldn’t figure out how to get on.
Guy 1: I stayed up until 2 am watching Disney plus
Guy 2: I told my girlfriend I fell asleep but I was actually watching the Mandalorian.
Girl 1: How long have you guys been dating?
Girl 2: Since the summer, well actually for like two years but it’s a long story.
Girl 1: Who are you looking for?
Girl 2: This guy, wait I found him. Fanny pack boy. He flipped off my professor after a test and ran out of the classroom.
Girl 1: How did you choose KU?
Girl 2: Honestly, I flipped a coin.
Boy 1: Did I tell you? I think I had a threesome this weekend.
Boy 2: Woah, hold up. You think?
Boy 1: I was born a Phi Delt.
Boy 2: Please don’t ever say that again.
Girl 1: How do you get your boobs to look like that?
Girl 2: I don’t ever wear a bra? I don’t know.
Girl 1: I just really want a guy to bend me over you know?
Girl 2: How do you know? You’re a virgin!
Guy: Sometimes I wish I could just be a dog and sleep all day.
Girl: You wake up at like three every day.
Guy: I know.
Guy: So does that make me a dog or something?
Girl 1: I wish I was a little bit taller.
Girl 2: I wish I was balder.
Girl 1: I wish I had a...wait, wait, wait balder?
Guy 1: Let’s slap dicks
Guy 2: You ever pee and it feels like throwing up?
Woman 1: *holding baby* He would have been safer at the Hawk
Woman 2: Oh absolutely.
Girl 1: I would never date that guy.
Girl 2: Well, it depends how much money he has.
Girl 1: I’m going to the doctor to see if I have bronchitis before I hook up with him again.
Girl 2: Yeah that’s smart so you don’t give it to anyone else.
Girl 1: No I mean I want to make sure I infect him.
Guy 1: I'm cutting some of my unnecessary costs, starting with Juuling.
Guy 2: Ight man, good luck.
Guy 1: Actually I might just start chewing
Guy 1: How was work?
Guy 2: My manager was chastising me for not dressing up in a Halloween costume, she doesn’t understand I’m strictly here to get paid.
Guy 1: I am so tired of this week, man
Guy 2: Dude it’s Monday
Guy 1: I know
Person#1: I want to be on the first ship to mars
Person#2: Not me, I doubt they have Wi-Fi
Perons#1: Yeah but at least they’re evolving up there. We’re all just devolving.
Girl 1: Um, I don’t eat pig.
Girl 2: You eat bacon all the time, bitch.
Guy 1: You better get going.
Guy 2: Yeah, see ya. I’m off to get some Adderall.
Girl 1: Are you home right now?
Girl 2: Yeah, why?
Girl 1: I bought a cat
Girl 1: I just don't understand what fishing is for.
Girl 2: I don't know. Food, maybe?
Guy: I’m just gonna have to like carry an entire box of spiders up the hill tomorrow.
Guy: Yeah, just like a hundred spiders in a box.
Guy 1: Sometimes ya just gotta give yourself a haircut.
Guy 2: Dude, you shaved half your head. That’s not a haircut, that’s a mess.
Girl 1: Can you eat fruit raw?
Girl 2: How else are you supposed to eat it?
Girl: That class is killing us. But they say rest is for the dead.
Guy: Well, at least we'll be rested.
Girl: She's not in class this semester.
Guy: Maybe she's dead.
Girl: Or studying abroad.
Girl: They're like oil and water.
Guy: Wow, you're so good with analogies.